Two years ago I weighed 130 pounds. My family all figured that I was anorexic; and though I figure that to some degree I was; today I am not. And that is frustrating. I try to remember what I was doing right back then. Was my insecurity at it's best?, did self loathing make a play at me?. I mean my arms came down to twiggs and that was not even good enough for my 5'11" frame. I think it's all in the rib cage. I think it all boils down to body size. I mean I could lose 30 pounds and STILL look larger than my crack baby buddies in this state I reside. And somehow I cannot appreciate my manish frame when all of the other boys look like boys and I look like their bully fag in the locker room. What can I do to be thinner?, how can I achieve my goal weight of 125 - 130 again ? .... HELL I'd probably be happy at 135-140 lbs again.
So this is where I'll write it all out. Somehow the only way that I believe to get "that thin" again is to hate the body that I was given enough to punish it again through lack of calories, protein and fat. That last word used to kill me -- and now I think I've grown lazy to it, and it has gotten the batter of me indeed. From cookies to Pizza and fat filled foods, this past year has brought me back to the 170 pounds which originally prompted me to starve in the year 2005 / 06. Please support me through this time of change -- I need the words of encouragement and the support to get back down to fitting in even with the "bad boys" and the "hot boys", the boys who matter most to other queers and the twinks who get all the good men. I named this blog "Boy Dissapearing" after a song by Tori Amos [Girl Disappearing]. I figured it kinda made sense for a boy who wants to lose weight and get down to nothing. I also HATE how I sound right now ... I hate that I sound so selfish when I know that I am in a healthier place than before -- yet somehow I want to throw it all away for weight. Anyways this is ________ and this will be my blog spot for a while.
Yours Truly,
____________
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