Sexuality And (This) Catholic's Misconception.

"Irish Catholic" The words alone bring to mind years of sexual confusion and repression. As a young man raised within the Catholic church I am still learning about my own sexuality. The simple truth is this, we (Catholics) are not proud of sex, we do not even .... enjoy it, it's something that we believe is to create new life. And if you are a homosexual Catholic - oh honey you've got some kinda new hell casted guilt to drive you out of your mind. But for now let's focus on what it was like for a child like me to grow up Catholic, and how that upbringing has brought me to the place I am today.

So here is something funny that I just now learned . . . The Sixth commandment teaches us not to kill, and this whole time I was under the impression that it commanded us not to commit adultery. Somehow I received the sixth commandment as the "sex one", and it has absolutely nothing to do with sex !!!!!. So here is what this means to this Catholic. Since I was the age of fourteen I have been going to confession. Its a dark box in the middle of a church where you kneel at the foot of Christs blood and confess your wrong doings to a consecrated man that gives you absolution when complete. For most people this is a very intimidating moment; for me, it's a free counseling session.

I remember preparing for my first confession. Unlike most traditional Catholic children, I had not received my first reconciliation before first holy communion. So when I had mentioned this to my private school teacher (who is a very, very devout Catholic) she immediately set up an appointment for confession at St. Albert's monastery with Fr.Yankov (an older priest from Germany). Now confession recalls for us to "examine the conscience", so to help me with that Vicki gave me a little hand out called "Examination Of The Conscience". This little paper listed each of the Ten Commandments and broke them down into mini sins.

Now perhaps it was my nerves which lead to the misunderstanding that I am about to describe. But within the last five to ten minutes (in preparation to write this blog) I have learned that the "Sixth Commandment" is not the commandment which advises us to prevent "Sins of the flesh" through adultery but rather the commandment which demands us not to kill or slay thy neighbor. The funny little fact about this ..... is that for years I have been going to confession to confess "Committing the sixth commandment against myself and against others". To which the priest always goes awkwardly silent or coughs.

All these years I've thought that the big no no sin (adultery) was the 6th commandment when in truth I was completely wrong all along and now as I sit here typing this out, I laugh because it's absolutely ridiculous to have gone along all of these years repenting from "The Sixth Commandment Against Myself And Against Others" in order not to say the words, "Father I have Masturbated, and I am having sex with my boyfriend". So instead I've got priest from across the west coast line believing that I am a serial killer instead of an adulterer .

Catholics like myself do very odd things in order not to feel as though you are smacking The Lord in the face. For example if I am fooling around with my boyfriend, I will swiftly but not obviously pull my crucifix from my neck and set it aside my bed. There was one time recently when I forgot to take it off, and my boyfriend came on it and .... I sort of felt like I'd just damned myself. In my personal experience as a sexually active Catholic, I've had to separate my sexual being from my religious/spiritual being. It's almost as though there are times when I have to play the role of the "whore" in order to be sexually assertive.

Catholics in bed are like bunny rabbits out of a cage. When the camera's are off, the show gets real. The idea that I identify with having two separate beings (sexual vs spiritual) makes it easier to have sex without feeling like I am about to send my ass to hell. The fact that I am gay is a whole different examination of conscience to examine later. But for now I will continue on with the fact that I am still uncomfortable with sexuality in general. I am still learning how to re sex the self that has always believed sex was immoral, wrong and unjust. It's an every day process to believe in myself enough to go ahead with it and "get it on".

For those of you who are still reading, please show the staff over @ RAINN that you support sexual assault awareness through the month of April by making a Donation or by visiting my friends over at KAPGAR to show that you are aware that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.