Abuse has many faces.

*Note that this blog took 3 days to finish due to schedule conflicts choppy as it may be, it's been a bitch to get it right because I'm an Irish LEO and I want to say it all !*

It may be suggested that as children we are completely submitted to our personal will. Rarely do we think about the consequences of the many wild actions and words we perform and speak. But when I was young, there were ramifications such as my father's anger (un)management issues which taught me early on that it was not OK to express my emotional and physical needs before others, and that often times would result in receiving abuse, which ends the process in fear. I went on for about 17 years of my life that way until my father finally moved out on the family in 2001. Unfortunately as soon as my father the tyrant left the picture, the mother beast came walking into the room with a bottle of gin and a lifetime of guilt to follow.

My mother had been in recovery for about 13 years until she went to this wedding, which my dad was once again being an ass, and in the end she lost her sobriety. At first I did not really care because I had not really remembered what it was like as a child to have an alcoholic mother. My sister however knew exactly what we were all in for and took it with a slash to the heart. The years which followed that wedding showed me what true alcoholics will do in order to daily re victimize themselves.

There is a great selfishness that supports addiction. It is a mind frame which an individual believes that they are so powerless, so angry and so low that they won't come back up to surface again. Often times these people bring their friends and family down hill with them. To be the child of an alcoholic creates a sense that your own emotional needs and desires mean nothing in comparison to your parents pain and suffering. Personally, this seed was planted in me years ago and I am still learning about how to kill the weed I know as Co-dependence.

Victimization is one of the many emotional responses to trauma. I've dealt with years of on again/off again depression. I found anorexia to be the key which allowed for control to come back in to my life during a time when I felt there to be no other way out. There have been days which I've entered into the "death" mind frame, but never once have I desired to give up. The reality is that my mother is an alcoholic, she is sick, but I do not have to be isolated in order to be safe; I finally decided to no longer entertain her misery and self inflicted suffering, and I began to wake out of the slumber of my mother's suffering.

Being the child of an addict often results in feelings of inadequacy, separation from peers and the enhanced sense of being responsible for other people's actions. When I finally left my mother's house to return for California in 2003 - 2006 I began the journey of my own self discovery. When one lives under the roof of their parents for so many years it has a tendency to control and direct our life experiences. Sexually I had never been with anybody, I had never done any drugs, I had never been drunk, I had prided myself on being "good" because being fully responsible was the complete opposite of my Mother's example during those years.

My obsession with being pure and beautiful would lead me toward more power struggles within myself. I starved in order to feel beautiful. Beauty was something that I did not feel was accessible because I had no sense of who I was. I'd hit myself in the face just to destroy what looks I did have, the same looks that I had no control over. The anger that I was feeling toward my mother, toward my life and toward my family; I turned inward. The act of turning anger inward is defined as depression.

I've spent the past 3 or more years in an on again/off again relationship with depression. There have been days that I would keep the curtains closed and throw a blanket over my head. My friends would try and take me out for the night, to a movie, out for a drink or to a casual party; but I would remain indoors because I felt trapped in my own flesh and in my own head. I was so angry but I knew that I could not express this anger in a healthy way I.E. "Mom I feel angry because __". The reason that I could not express myself to my mother was for the same reason that I never confronted my father on his rage problems; there is always a consequence.

So in turn, I decided to take my anorexia, my self degradation and my low self image out the door and I traveled about town flaunting it to others. Low self image tends to bring the dogs out of the pound for a great mating season. For so long I had been a single, lonely boy who had never been kissed, and suddenly I started to experiment sexually. In a naive state of mind, I would hope for commitment in these "relationships", but would receive abasement and sadness.

They would treat me like a prince only to dump me a week later, they would openly make fun of me, cheat on me and betray my body just for entertainment. And at the end of it all, I would allow them to stay in my life as "friends" because I did not want to be alone. I would always hope that some day they might realize the wrongs that they committed against me and apologize for them. But in the end it was I who would have to re claim my body and re claim my self through demanding them to listen and to rebuke them from my life for good.

By voicing myself and telling them how I felt, the embarrassment, the anger and the emptiness that they'd left me with I took my voice back. They of course did not care at all, in fact they went on to spread rumors about me to other friends in our "circle". So what I decided to do was change my circle of friends, and by doing so I supported myself with strength and a new opportunity for healthy friendships and relationships. Abuse comes in so many different forms, the most tragic abuse however is the abuse that we commit to our selves in response to the abuse that others have set against us. Let not your voice be silenced, stand up for yourself and be strong.

This blog was written to raise awareness for the survivors of sexual assault during sexual assault awareness month. If you have been, or if you know anyone that has been assaulted sexually please show your support to my blog and to yourself or loved ones by making a donation to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest,National Network)