Right now I just need to write this out because it's hurting me not to at least acknowledge the pain. This weekend my boyfriend and I took a trip to the city to get away from all of our smaller town woes and just relax. He got us this beautiful Hotel room which is very mod and chic. In fact I am drawing a lot of inspiration from this room, and I want to bring that style back into my own apartment when we return back to E-----e.
Last night J. and I went to a local Dyke bar to support a new friend that we had made through a mutual friend. The bar was a smoky little dive with tons of drag kings and harsh looking women who ended up being very supportive of us "men" being in the building. After a good long round of drinks and Karaoke it was time for us to return to our Hotel room and get some sleep. I was pretty much sober but my boyfriend was hammered. I did not let him know however; that I was indeed sober again, because I was trying to avoid his very typical "are you mad at me" conversation.
By the time we'd hit the corner, he was refusing to call a cab and suggested that we walk our way back to the hotel. At this point I knew that we were miles across town and that walking would not be a good idea because we don't know the city. This is when he began to pull out some harsh attitude with me and tried to start a fight. I did not respond accordingly to what I was feeling on the inside at that moment because it would have resulted in him confronting me with questions that have no right answer; no matter how easy they may be.
I had suggested that we were heading in the wrong direction and that we needed to stop, and this is when he turned to me and began yelling at me saying that "Don't FUCKING tell me I'm wrong, when I know that I'm right, you always do that to me . . . I'm SMARTER Than you and you and you need to shut up", it was at this point that I began to feel some "fight" in me but decided not to defend myself, the most that I did was ask him to please "Stop yelling at me". I had to repeat this about 6 times before he firmly grabbed at my wrist [enough to hurt and startle me] for about a few seconds and say once more that I'm not as smart as him so I needed to stop talking.
The rest of the wait for our taxi was spent by me pretending to feel safe, and pretending to be happy. This morning as I woke next to him I did not feel as safe as I normally do. I feel hurt and I don't think that he will accept what I have to confront him with on this case. Generally as it has been explored in this scenario; my boyfriend hates to be "wrong". And when we argue - I generally have to back down because he will not see his actions clearly. It feels as though I am the one who is expected to make changes, and I am the one who gets "called out" for my quirks, and I am the one who has to make it right.
Last night is nothing new, we go through some form of confrontation every time he drinks. The last time that got really drunk however; he decided to judge me and make me feel somewhat less than human, and he yelled at me for being too drunk [which I was] but when I needed his support the most - he felt justified in not lending a hand to me. So where's the balance in this ?, somehow I am starting to feel taken for granted, like he thinks that it's alright to yell at me the way he did last night, and not at least apologize or make corrective action to make it right again. Am I dealing with an age difference here?, what makes it right for me to feel this way? do I have to keep this hurt a secret once more in order to keep the peace ?. What am I to do?.
It's hard when you love somebody, but you begin to feel as though you are "expected" to be perfect. And when you give and give and give - what's stopping that person from expecting to receive again, and again. I ask for three basic components, Honor, Respect, and loyalty. I believe that these things create the formula for a real love. So what do you do when you are beginning to feel constantly insulted, on the edge ["is he going to cheat?"], scared to express your feelings, or terrified that he'll ignore you for the night when you do express yourself.
I do not want to write this blog however; without saying how much I do love J-. He does surprise me with kisses, and he does hold me when I cry. He does express the little things which make us all feel special. And I do love him, some how the first day we met I knew this. But I think that he has a lot of anger inside of him which tends to lash out toward me. And now that we are living together, I feel it a lot more than I did when we were in separate apartments. We have gone through a lot together so far, and the thought of losing him feels like a cut to the chest.
So I'm at a slight bit of a draw here, and I don't know what to do about it. He was drunk - so I can't exactly hold him fully accountable for his actions. I feel like if he were sober then maybe I would be able to hold him at full responsibility. But then again, we are all held accountable for our actions, and he would confront me or cuss me out if I did the same thing to him as he did unto me last night. I can not clean this mess, for he is the one who could not stop at one drink. And it hurts me to say that here, I do not mean any harm to him when I say that. I am not suggesting anything by saying that - but I need to stand up for myself here and not fix his error. Especially when I was the one that fell some what victim to his anger.
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