I'm Just Having Thoughts . . .

Let me breathe -


This past week has been nothing less than pure stress, and today I am in dire need of personal time. I need to do the things that I love to do without obligation to anybody else. I need to just go for a long walk without a curfew, I need to go to a bar without fear of being called out for being too drunk. I just need a little bit of me time to rejuvenate my inner self and my soul.

At the present moment, I am somewhat apprehensive about returning back to my home which I now share with my boyfriend. There are times when I need alone time, and that is now a place where I cannot attain that. I love my boyfriend, I would do anything for him, and I truly believe that we are of the few successful gay couples in this town. But like any other person, I would be a liar to myself if I said that I did not need my own time every now and again.

The problem is that from time to time I feel like I am constantly accounting for my actions and my whereabouts. If I come home later than I anticipated (generally due to catching rides from my sister) I tend to receive the 'silent treatment' from my boyfriend who does not like it when I am late to arrive for an evening at home. But sometimes I want to stay with my mother, and sometimes I just need to be away from my house and that is perfectly reasonable. Thing is that I am too afraid to request this, because my boyfriend says "You're leaving me again for the whole day", and those words are powerful and make me feel like a real jerk.

With the constant stress of following through for him, I also have the added stress of accounting to my mother why it is that I am always in such a rush home on Sunday's. She still knows nothing of the fact that I have a boyfriend and is still under the impression that I am living alone. The lie that I've given her is going to hurt when brought to truth, and that is something I am having a hard time coming to terms with. My boyfriend is beginning to resent that fact that he is still unknown to my mother which makes me once again feel like the bad guy in this big picture. I am living a triple life here and it's really getting to me. But I need not be judged for the choices that I make, and I need not be held accountable for the needs that I have. I need to be respected and honored for the few needs that I ask for.

I really love my boyfriend, last week he ended up in the Hospital for a stomach related illness which had him in excruciating pain. The though of him in pain, and me not being able to fix it really scared me. When it was all over I ended up breaking down in tears in his arms because the thought of losing him or the thought of him being so scared and alone in his pain, scared me and made me feel helpless. I love him, I want to be there for him, I want to take his pain away, I want to heal him. Since the day that I met him, I knew that I wanted to protect his heart - it's something that I'd never felt before for another person. I genuinely care about him, and I have made many life changes based on his needs. I only feel it to be fair that he understand my needs, and that he value them as well.