Boy Disappearing

Untitled.

2008-06-10T12:04:00.000-07:00

Fight or flight ?

Cry tonight ?

What's my option?

You're not around so much anymore.

Seems as though this bed is always cold on the left side.

Try again?

Will you please be my friend?

Is this alright?

Is my grip holding you to too tight?

Seems as though you've got a wondering eye.

So sassy, is it pondering another guy?.

You say I mistrust, which I do.

But it's never about me ... it's all about you.

How could I ever feel like you've got my back

When all that I do is scratch yours.

So angry you are.

So dissapointed I am.

So heartbreaking it is . . .

I Want To Go Home. But Where Is Home When Security Is In Question.

2008-05-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

So the boyfriend just randomly canceled evening plans to take a walk alone to the park at 9pm. With ETA on his return and no hint as to why he departed, I am left to wonder why so much mystery behind this "walk". Of course worry will have it's abusive way with my mind; suggesting to me that he's meeting up with some other boy for a nice fuck in the park because I don't fuck him like he wants to be fucked.

I made chicken pesto with rice and roasted potatoes for dinner, but when I offered it to him he seemed uninterested as though it's the norm, as though he had better things to do. And yet in my mind I believe all of this worry to be a product of my co-dependence upon him. Earlier this afternoon I described to my sister about how he and I are NEVER apart and even when we are apart, that it seems so unnatural to be apart for we live, breathe, sleep and eat together - hell we even go to school together and take the same class together.

But why now after months of content, why now do I worry that he has grown tired of me?. Why now do I imagine him smiling in the eyes of a shadow figure male. Why do I see him bending over for a model ?. And though I have an evening alone (something that I wanted badly) now I find myself drunk with worry and angst. I'm depressed, I'm listening to sad music and imagining the affair as though it were a scene on the television set. Perhaps today is the spoken about anniversary between he and his ex which they still celebrate.

Is it considered a faux pas to continue celebration of a past relationship as though it still holds meaning between your present lover and his or her ex?. Should we draw the line with a "hey buddy, I'm in your life now !" or do we show our support by not saying anything at all ?. You see, I am very confused by this because I do not feel like it's polite to constantly live in somebody else's shadow. It's not fair for me to feel as tired as I do and yet to feel like there is still a shadow in his life who receives any ounce of his affection.

The truth is that something does not feel right at the present moment, and I am hard settled on worrying about it until I come up with an answer. Sometimes the best way to describe this feeling is to say "I want to go home" or rather take me back to my sense of safety. What is he doing out there, who is he speaking to when I am not around. Is my jealousy making a cameo appearance or is this a return to form as it were. Where's my safety, and why have I always felt second best to porn actors and models on the television set. Why do I feel a sense of worthlessness when he stares into the eyes of attractive mutual friends with a once familiar look unto my own eyes. Am I losing ground here?, or will my infectious insecurity lead me to my ultimate fate as "second best" to another man.

I suppose that all I want to know is .... am I doing something wrong?, am I boring you?, have I failed you? . . . did I give up on us a long time ago?.

A Story

2008-05-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

I'm bored and tired and I have nothing to say in any particualar order. I'm having a moment where I don't exactly feel like the world cares about what I have to say. I am at the hour when secrets are too tired to come out and play. Right about now I could just use a drink with a few good friends without any drama of those which do not handle their liquor. These are the ones I love, but I just can't handle fighting with when drunk. So I've quit as well. Still however, it would be nice to just have a glass of wine with a friend and talk like young adults. I can't drink anymore because I have an example to uphold.

My boyfriend and I have gone through some pretty serious fights when we drink and it's disfunctional. I've always been a pretty peppy, happy and easy going "drunk", I may get a little bit loud but I never instigate fights which is something that my boyfriend does when he drinks. The last time we both drank together he blacked out and kissed another guy at a party. He thankfully admitted it to me - but it still hurt a lot and I seriously had considered breaking the relationship up. I told him that if he wanted to redeem his mistake that he would stop drinking. He's 19 and has absolutely no concept of control when it comes to substances like alcohol. And he's also a pretty angy, horny drunk which makes me feel really uncomfortable as though I am going to be cheated on or yelled at when I get home.

So I am forced into a big brother role sort of because I have to set the example of how it needs to be. Controlling yes, but I have to maintain my safety as well as put ends to toxic behavior. I'm the child of an alcoholic and I can't stand to babysit adults especially when they treat me like shit in return. I'm not into it, and I will not tolerate it. So - I ended it. Much like J******n would not tolerate me smoking cigarettes, I quit the habit in order to sacrifice and change for this relationship. And that's exactly what J******n did for me with partying and drinking. He made a change and I really appreciate and honor that. So for that reason, I will not drink around him nor do I feel comfortable being tipsy around him anymore. I do not want to be a hypocrite.

I don't know, I'm just tired and sometimes I want to be able to act my age instead of having to pretend as though I am not legal to drink when I want to. There are some times that I just wish that my boyfriend knew how to drink like an adult instead of a child, and that I could trust him not to treat me like shit when he does drink. Kissing another man is not the only way that he's hurt me when drunk. He flirts with other men, he starts fights and instigates them by asking me "are you mad at me?". Often I'll say no and he'll call me a liar. He's gotten physically aggressive and often likes to bring up really ugly topics such as cheating and monogomy issues. So it's not safe and it's unfair and it's always ugly. Yet there has been only one time when I ended up getting a bit more drunk than he -and he totally condemned me for it, left me in tears and punished me the following day through silence. So I vowed to no longer drink - and I kept that promise. So there is now a very solid non alcoholic rule in my home. So now I am left with the responsibility not to drink - and now I can't do it with my friends.

Grandma

2008-05-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's the weekend, maybe it's the clouds outside, maybe it's me, or maybe it's life. This weekend is proving - - no this past week has proven to be a challenge to my entire family. Monday started out like any other, I went to school, I worked out, I went to volunteer with BRO for a few hours, I got home, and then I got a telephone call. My Grandmother had to go to the ER for breathing complications and a weak state of being.

I missed the call due to napping when I got home, but as soon as I got the call I ran to Sacred Heart Hospital's ER. She seemed tired, her lips appeared somewhat purple toned (not a healthy sign) and her speech seemed some what fatigued. Apparently she had some kind of a fall at home due to weakness of body, a symptom of her COPD. By the end of the night she agreed to be admitted into the care of Sacred Heart.

Throughout the week she looked promising, despite her hatred for a strapped breathing mask that the doctors attached to her face to regulate her dioxide levels. My grandmother was scheduled to come home yesterday afternoon at about 5:00 pm; I waited at my house for the call to help her get home. It was at about 4:30 pm that I checked my phone to see if anybody called to queue me toward the hospital for grandma's departure. I had received a text which said "G ma got worst call asap", followed with a missed telephone call from my sister. At that moment life stood still, time stopped, the minutes dragged on like the times I'd been high on streets in Oakland. Only this time, I was sober and this was a harsh reality.

Upon my arrival to the hospital I found my grandmother sitting bedside with nurses, my mother and my sister all aiding her needs. My grandmother did not look healthy at all. Her eyes were droopy, her face pale, her body in tremors. The hours that followed my arrival felt like an emotional typhoon. The basic message from the doctor was that my grandmother would more than likely not make it through the night, this was the same thing which my mother had said on the telephone to me at 4:30. The general idea was that if my grandmother stayed in the hospital on the breathing treatment; that she may pass away in the middle of the night. She continued on to say that if we took my grandmother home as per her "death request" that she may survive, but that likely she would not.

As we waited for social work to come through and for her to be released, the general sense felt hopeful as though maybe she was pulling out of it. The respiratory nurse came in at about 8:00 pm to check on things and make sure that the "darth vader" mask (as I nick named it) was secure on my grandmother's head. It was at this point that my mother decided to ask what the mask was for. And after a few short descriptive medical sentences the nurse pretty much told us that this "Vader" mask was my grandmother's "Life Support".

To receive the description of life support came very unsettling to my mother, sister and I. It just did not make sense; why had they not told us about this subtle reality during the week ?, why did they not tell us that this mask was a life support means?, and why . My grandmother had requested that if something were to happen to her, that any hospital she were in would not take any extraordinary means to save her. And though this breathing machine was not extraordinary, it seemed to us as though it was a bit too much to add to her stress of being sick in the first place.

With the doctors grant and the request of my grandmother, this was now the hour for critical decisions to be made. Doctor Adams advised that if my grandmother were to stay the night in the hospital that her chances of survival would be greater than if she were to go home as requested. My mother had to make the decision to take her home so that if last night was the hour, that she would pass in peace, in her own bed, and at home. Once the decision was made, the hours waiting for transport seemed to take forever.

As she would fall into various deep slumbers, my Grandmother seemed to be weakening. I sat bedside praying my hail Mary's and asking God to bring her strength. I don't feel like it's her time to go. I feel like she has more fight in her, and I do not want her to give up. But it was in this moment that I realized that we need her more than she needs us at this point, and that every day from here on out with her is a gift. For God is showing us something in this experience that life does leave us and life does not last on tis earth forever.

We got her home at about 10:30 pm, and she seemed much happier to sleep in her own bed. Though she's weak,shaky and confused I do feel as though taking her away from the hospital was the best thing for my grandmother. She survived the night and that gives me more hope than the doctors and nurses did. All that we can do from this moment on out is hope,pray and celebrate her life. Tomorrow is Mother's day and I want to spend it with my grandma and my own mother. Throughout such experiences we witness "scenes" as it were. The image of my mother watching her own mother become critically ill and making decisions in honor of my grandmother's wishes only reminded me that some day I will be standing in my mother's shoes and that I will have to be strong enough to care for her as well. Death is a reality of life, it's the end to the story that God wrote for us.

In this life all tat we can do is love those we will lose some day. And if we find ourselves in the position of knowing that we are losing somebody we love, then we need to use that time to say the words "I love you" to that person. Because someday you may not have that person with you to receive the message. So make sure that you tell the people you love that you love them. And do not be afraid of the moment that they are gone - because as hard as it is for you to "lose" that person they become a part of you. I have confidence in my grandmother because she is indeed a fighter. At 85 years of age I think she's got a few months left in her and I am not going to give up on her just yet.

Lessons From These Little Earthquakes. Growing On A Fault Line.

2008-05-04T12:21:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

So I have not been here for a while. Firstly because my internet service has been out like a sick puppy, and second because I have neened some time to myself. I'm back in school full-time now studying music and theater. It's awesome but lot's of work. I started school two weeks into the spring term which still has me catching up on home work. I am also involved in various non profit organizations around town here. I've been volunteering for Basic Rights Oregon, Womenspace and I've just signed on for an internship with the Oregon Students Equal Rights Association (OSERA). I'm running for student senate which should hopefully put me into the front line of student body issues and needs. I'm finding myself slowly sinking deeper into a sociology field through these various causes that I am working for.

Home life has been on an up/down scale. I've gone through a few recent relationship issues which needed to be resolved. In the end I learned about what it means to be true to somebody else other than yourself and to question your decisions after you make them. I long for respect, love and loyalty - and the scenario which I am referring to here showed me a real break in all three of those requirements. And in the end I took him back. The decision was made based upon the fact that he was drunk, and also that I did unto him what I would want him to do to me if I were in the same situation (though I know he never would). I still feel a bit of an inner sinking when I explain my decisions and actions because I feel as though I decided to be strong for him instead of being strong for myself.

My involvement with the Kapgar blog contest ended up failing because I did not have ny access to the internet and I've been some what depressed as of late. But the main problem with this was that I did not feel comfortable enough to openly celebrate my sexuality through stories and jokes. It's kind of like getting the green light and then pissing it all away and I apologize to the guys over there Kevin and Carly for my lack in participation, and I thank you guys for taking me on even though I only busted out about three or four blogs for the contest. It was fun and I intend on continuing to examine my own sexuality through sharing stories in the future. I just don't know that I was fully ready to step into my own shoes yet.

"When You Gonna Make Up Your Mind, When You Gonna Love You Like I Do"...(Tori Amos, Winter). The lyrics to Tori Amos's 1992 single "Winter" remind me of myself at the present time. Relying on others for security when in fact I have that security right here inside of me. My strength is nowhere near anybody else, it has to come from within. I know that it is there, but I do not use it. It's like having a raft but not letting yourself swim. I have to swim, I have to get to the other side. I have to take responsibility for my anguish in times that I feel let down. I have to come to terms with who I am in order not to allow others to break me into their own mold. The entire album to Tori Amos's "Little Earthquakes" means something more to me now that I am actually realizing the transformation phase that the album represents. Are these Little Earthquakes the lessons that we need to learn on the path to our individuality and warriorhood?.

Perhaps the answer unfolds during each day, each week, throughout the end of the month and the conclusion of the year. Ten years on and these lessons will be so engrained into our "self" that we will have to ask ourselves "how did I become ....". Even now I am having to ask myself how I got stuck into the archetype of the Nice Guy only to try and break the habits that have brought me here. I have learned so much in the past year about how to speak when need be and not to allow for others to dictate your feelings and control your needs and emotions. It's so important to validate your emotions by expressing them in a healthy way. It's also KEY to not lose your stand when you take one. It's healthy to be open minded to other's defense so long as you are not being attacked. And it is so very imperative that we remain true to ourselves always. These are the lessons that these little earthquakes have taught me thus far, and I am positive that there are more along the way. Some day I will be full - some day I will move on toward the next walk. But for now I am still growing up on the fault line.

Sexual Assault; video awareness.

2008-04-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

So before you watch these videos, I did a random search on you tube for rape an sexual assault, the results were not as massive as I though they may be, but I took what I could grab to re post here before I go to class this morning. I feel it's important throughout this contest that I also show some videos and share some music. The first video here is a PSA about date rape and it was made by a few students. The second video is a collection of art and music which highlights rape within a marriage (yes unwanted sex in wed lock is rape too), and finally I thought I would share a video by Tori Amos called "Me and a Gun", which documents Tori's own experience with sexual violence and assault. So please watch, please thing and please make a donation to RAINN during sexual assault awareness month.

Sex, School And a Rant.

2008-04-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

Right now I don't know what to say. I am supposed to be going back to school and nobody can truly know why it is that I am back in. I am going back to school at the moment because my boyfriend has taken my by the hand to do so. My mother just finished yelling at me for taking classes which are too easy, my H.S. Tutor/adviser yelled at me this morning for not going to classes from the day they began and I am yelling at myself for not being a man and taking my own direction.

I am tired of lying to my mother about the life that I am living. I ended up gettin defensive and telling her something along the lines of "you don't know the first about my life so you have no right to yell at me for the classes that I am taking.". Hell I even had to lie to her that financial aid came through because I had to have a cover story. I am tired of the lies, you have to create lies to cover lies and now I am so buried within lies that I can't even stand straight.

I feel like I am trying to please everybody else but my self. It's starting to kill me because I don't know what I want anymore. I am living a double life. To my mom I am the son who's living "on his own" for the first time. To my boyfriend I am me. To my sister I am stressed out all the time and to my family I am "busy". But I can't be all of these people any more, I don't think that I can lie about it. I am so afraid of what everybody will think about my sexuality that I can't even begin to accept myself for who I really am.

I can't even have sex without feeling some kind of hell fire biting me in the ass. I've been taking confirmation classes to become a fully baptized and "sainted" Catholic, and yet here I am fucking my boyfriend after mass. I remind myself of that old school Bon Jovi video where the young girl goes to mass in the morning and ends up fucking a guy in the back of a car by nightfall. I just don't know what is wrong with me. Why are we made to feel so shamed for our sexuality. Gay, straight, whatever; "sex is wrong" and we are to "repent" from the sins of the flesh if we are to go to heaven. If Adam had not fallen for eve and all that crap. I'm just confused, and I feel so ashamed for the life I'm living.

I apologize to the readers out there who are wondering why I am so angry at the moment, but I really do feel like I am going to burn in hell for having a sex drive (and I've kept it LOW for sake of keeping those gates closed). Last night my boyfriend and I were about to go to bed when suddenly we started to fool around. At some point I asked him if he wanted to have sex and he said yes. So I got the condoms out (I believe in SAFE before regret and worry) and I began to do the dirty. I swear to god I lasted 2 minuted before I came because in the back of my head I was going "Oh you are going against the teachings of the church you son of a bitch, you hypocrite, you heathen". The nerves alone made me finish long before I was ready to and that's just a shame!.

I feel like if you are going to enjoy sex, you have to cut yourself off from your spiritual/religious self. It's like you can't just have sex and enjoy it without feeling conscious of it at all times . Lord knows the paradox arrives when I am having sex with my partner and I am worrying about the motion and how well I am pleasuring his body and what not. Which brings me to my next point, which I have discussed before. I feel as though I am kinky by nature because I am afraid to be a sexual being and a human being at the same time (yes we know they are the same, but I do feel as though I am two halves here). So I like it rough, and I like to tease and I like to play the "you cant touch me, but I can touch you" game.

It's just...... why so much guilt God?, why do I feel like sex is a "pagan" act?. Why do I feel as though I am doomed to hell by expressing myself within a committed and healthy relationship. Homosexuality aside, why do I feel this?. Is it because deep inside I "know" it's "wrong"?. Or is it because I was taught it to be wrong ?. And will there be forgiveness at the end of this class ?. I just don't understand, and with my confirmation coming this weekend (Sunday) I am especially counting all of my sins because I am about to confirm myself within this church that teaches these morals. And that's why I do not feel worthy of confirmation because I am not living by their set of morals anymore.

Please visit Kapgar for more information on the current blog contest that my blog is a part of, and consider a donation to RAINN during sexual assault awareness month. Thank you :).

Abuse has many faces.

2008-04-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

*Note that this blog took 3 days to finish due to schedule conflicts choppy as it may be, it's been a bitch to get it right because I'm an Irish LEO and I want to say it all !*

It may be suggested that as children we are completely submitted to our personal will. Rarely do we think about the consequences of the many wild actions and words we perform and speak. But when I was young, there were ramifications such as my father's anger (un)management issues which taught me early on that it was not OK to express my emotional and physical needs before others, and that often times would result in receiving abuse, which ends the process in fear. I went on for about 17 years of my life that way until my father finally moved out on the family in 2001. Unfortunately as soon as my father the tyrant left the picture, the mother beast came walking into the room with a bottle of gin and a lifetime of guilt to follow.

My mother had been in recovery for about 13 years until she went to this wedding, which my dad was once again being an ass, and in the end she lost her sobriety. At first I did not really care because I had not really remembered what it was like as a child to have an alcoholic mother. My sister however knew exactly what we were all in for and took it with a slash to the heart. The years which followed that wedding showed me what true alcoholics will do in order to daily re victimize themselves.

There is a great selfishness that supports addiction. It is a mind frame which an individual believes that they are so powerless, so angry and so low that they won't come back up to surface again. Often times these people bring their friends and family down hill with them. To be the child of an alcoholic creates a sense that your own emotional needs and desires mean nothing in comparison to your parents pain and suffering. Personally, this seed was planted in me years ago and I am still learning about how to kill the weed I know as Co-dependence.

Victimization is one of the many emotional responses to trauma. I've dealt with years of on again/off again depression. I found anorexia to be the key which allowed for control to come back in to my life during a time when I felt there to be no other way out. There have been days which I've entered into the "death" mind frame, but never once have I desired to give up. The reality is that my mother is an alcoholic, she is sick, but I do not have to be isolated in order to be safe; I finally decided to no longer entertain her misery and self inflicted suffering, and I began to wake out of the slumber of my mother's suffering.

Being the child of an addict often results in feelings of inadequacy, separation from peers and the enhanced sense of being responsible for other people's actions. When I finally left my mother's house to return for California in 2003 - 2006 I began the journey of my own self discovery. When one lives under the roof of their parents for so many years it has a tendency to control and direct our life experiences. Sexually I had never been with anybody, I had never done any drugs, I had never been drunk, I had prided myself on being "good" because being fully responsible was the complete opposite of my Mother's example during those years.

My obsession with being pure and beautiful would lead me toward more power struggles within myself. I starved in order to feel beautiful. Beauty was something that I did not feel was accessible because I had no sense of who I was. I'd hit myself in the face just to destroy what looks I did have, the same looks that I had no control over. The anger that I was feeling toward my mother, toward my life and toward my family; I turned inward. The act of turning anger inward is defined as depression.

I've spent the past 3 or more years in an on again/off again relationship with depression. There have been days that I would keep the curtains closed and throw a blanket over my head. My friends would try and take me out for the night, to a movie, out for a drink or to a casual party; but I would remain indoors because I felt trapped in my own flesh and in my own head. I was so angry but I knew that I could not express this anger in a healthy way I.E. "Mom I feel angry because __". The reason that I could not express myself to my mother was for the same reason that I never confronted my father on his rage problems; there is always a consequence.

So in turn, I decided to take my anorexia, my self degradation and my low self image out the door and I traveled about town flaunting it to others. Low self image tends to bring the dogs out of the pound for a great mating season. For so long I had been a single, lonely boy who had never been kissed, and suddenly I started to experiment sexually. In a naive state of mind, I would hope for commitment in these "relationships", but would receive abasement and sadness.

They would treat me like a prince only to dump me a week later, they would openly make fun of me, cheat on me and betray my body just for entertainment. And at the end of it all, I would allow them to stay in my life as "friends" because I did not want to be alone. I would always hope that some day they might realize the wrongs that they committed against me and apologize for them. But in the end it was I who would have to re claim my body and re claim my self through demanding them to listen and to rebuke them from my life for good.

By voicing myself and telling them how I felt, the embarrassment, the anger and the emptiness that they'd left me with I took my voice back. They of course did not care at all, in fact they went on to spread rumors about me to other friends in our "circle". So what I decided to do was change my circle of friends, and by doing so I supported myself with strength and a new opportunity for healthy friendships and relationships. Abuse comes in so many different forms, the most tragic abuse however is the abuse that we commit to our selves in response to the abuse that others have set against us. Let not your voice be silenced, stand up for yourself and be strong.

This blog was written to raise awareness for the survivors of sexual assault during sexual assault awareness month. If you have been, or if you know anyone that has been assaulted sexually please show your support to my blog and to yourself or loved ones by making a donation to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest,National Network)

Sexuality And (This) Catholic's Misconception.

2008-04-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

"Irish Catholic" The words alone bring to mind years of sexual confusion and repression. As a young man raised within the Catholic church I am still learning about my own sexuality. The simple truth is this, we (Catholics) are not proud of sex, we do not even .... enjoy it, it's something that we believe is to create new life. And if you are a homosexual Catholic - oh honey you've got some kinda new hell casted guilt to drive you out of your mind. But for now let's focus on what it was like for a child like me to grow up Catholic, and how that upbringing has brought me to the place I am today.

So here is something funny that I just now learned . . . The Sixth commandment teaches us not to kill, and this whole time I was under the impression that it commanded us not to commit adultery. Somehow I received the sixth commandment as the "sex one", and it has absolutely nothing to do with sex !!!!!. So here is what this means to this Catholic. Since I was the age of fourteen I have been going to confession. Its a dark box in the middle of a church where you kneel at the foot of Christs blood and confess your wrong doings to a consecrated man that gives you absolution when complete. For most people this is a very intimidating moment; for me, it's a free counseling session.

I remember preparing for my first confession. Unlike most traditional Catholic children, I had not received my first reconciliation before first holy communion. So when I had mentioned this to my private school teacher (who is a very, very devout Catholic) she immediately set up an appointment for confession at St. Albert's monastery with Fr.Yankov (an older priest from Germany). Now confession recalls for us to "examine the conscience", so to help me with that Vicki gave me a little hand out called "Examination Of The Conscience". This little paper listed each of the Ten Commandments and broke them down into mini sins.

Now perhaps it was my nerves which lead to the misunderstanding that I am about to describe. But within the last five to ten minutes (in preparation to write this blog) I have learned that the "Sixth Commandment" is not the commandment which advises us to prevent "Sins of the flesh" through adultery but rather the commandment which demands us not to kill or slay thy neighbor. The funny little fact about this ..... is that for years I have been going to confession to confess "Committing the sixth commandment against myself and against others". To which the priest always goes awkwardly silent or coughs.

All these years I've thought that the big no no sin (adultery) was the 6th commandment when in truth I was completely wrong all along and now as I sit here typing this out, I laugh because it's absolutely ridiculous to have gone along all of these years repenting from "The Sixth Commandment Against Myself And Against Others" in order not to say the words, "Father I have Masturbated, and I am having sex with my boyfriend". So instead I've got priest from across the west coast line believing that I am a serial killer instead of an adulterer .

Catholics like myself do very odd things in order not to feel as though you are smacking The Lord in the face. For example if I am fooling around with my boyfriend, I will swiftly but not obviously pull my crucifix from my neck and set it aside my bed. There was one time recently when I forgot to take it off, and my boyfriend came on it and .... I sort of felt like I'd just damned myself. In my personal experience as a sexually active Catholic, I've had to separate my sexual being from my religious/spiritual being. It's almost as though there are times when I have to play the role of the "whore" in order to be sexually assertive.

Catholics in bed are like bunny rabbits out of a cage. When the camera's are off, the show gets real. The idea that I identify with having two separate beings (sexual vs spiritual) makes it easier to have sex without feeling like I am about to send my ass to hell. The fact that I am gay is a whole different examination of conscience to examine later. But for now I will continue on with the fact that I am still uncomfortable with sexuality in general. I am still learning how to re sex the self that has always believed sex was immoral, wrong and unjust. It's an every day process to believe in myself enough to go ahead with it and "get it on".

For those of you who are still reading, please show the staff over @ RAINN that you support sexual assault awareness through the month of April by making a Donation or by visiting my friends over at KAPGAR to show that you are aware that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

April Is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

2008-04-04T12:40:00.000-07:00

Hey there, I've got some really exciting news to share with you (who may or may not be reading this, I really don't know how many hits I receive here). I have been selected by the crew over at KAPGAR to write about my sexual history per se during this month. I am both excited and honored to be a part of this awesome experience as I hope to donate my voice toward celebrating sexuality and raising awareness to those who have survived sexual violence.

Now It has been about 3 days into the month now and I am just now sitting down to write my first post. I sort of hate that missed out on two whole days of this contest. I am hoping to gain a few readers who will perhaps relate to my stories and experiences, and maybe even find a moment to post comment or share their own story back. Once again, when Kevin over at Kapgar.com emailed me to let me know that my blog was approved for the contest - I was jumping up and down.

So I guess this sort of leaves me to tell you little bit about myself. Normally I try my best to remain anonymous on this blog, being that I escape to this place in order to write out all of my little secrets and the true feelings that I have about life, experiences, friends and family. I started this blog last summer after jogging all over the internet to find the perfect host. I decided to write over here at Blogger when I had taken notice to Tori Amos posting her blog "Clyde Speaks" (a blog to support the theme to her album "American Doll Posse").

I have been faithfully following the work of Tori Amos since 1993 when I discovered a "funny looking" red head on my television set. This was probably about an hour before I was set to go of to the prison I would call "St.Leo's Catholic School" Grade 3 with Ms.Donnely. The character on the television set was singing something about cornflakes. . . and being that I was eating a bowel as she sang it, I thought it was kinda funny. My sister on the other hand could not stand the song and claimed that she was a "bad woman" and that I needed to turn the channel before I get in trouble. I went to school that day singing a song about cornflakes, which would stick with me for the years to follow.

In 1993 I must have been about ..... seven years of age or so. My home was always in dysfunction. My father had major anger issues and my mother never really did anything but argue with him when the pot boiled my father's rage in the kitchen for dinner. My childhood was surrounded by "emotional violence". I grew with an every day tyrant that was my father's anger issues. In his youth my father had been through various foster homes, orphanages and centers for young men. His mother had abandoned him at the age of three, only to retrieve him some years later. It was during those "lost" years however that he had been sexually molested by a group of women within foster home.

Although he finds it hard to examine today, I believe that my father still harvests resentment, anger and dislike for the reasoning behind his mother abandoning him for "another marriage". He never seemed to truly unmask that pain, he never really seemed to admit the true emotions behind his rage or perhaps to shine some real light upon the feelings surrounding his early childhood sexual victimization. I do believe that he turned his feelings inward toward lust and denial.

I was about 8 or 9 when I first discovered that my father had an addiction to pornography. I had been rummaging through our basement when I opened a box that had some kind of image of a woman opening her genital area with this incredibly disgusting look on her face . It confused the hell out of me because I did not really know how all of that had worked yet. The most sex education I'd had up until that point was from the night that my father interrupted an episode of Clarrissa Explain's It All to tell me about how . . . "On a very special day, your mother and I went to the doctor's to make a baby." he continued to tell me that "The woman lies on a table and opens her legs and the man lays on top of her. There is doctor in the room to make sure that the baby reaches the woman so that she can have a baby" and that "It feels Sooooooo good". This is of course the way that his explanation remained within my young brain.

Sex is obviously fascinating to children as we all naturally want to know how we got here. Being raised by my mother as a Catholic, I was generally kept in the dark about how sex really worked, what the science of sex was and how a man and woman come together to make a new life cell. It was thanks to my aunt Eileen who took my cousin and I aside one day (with my mothers permission) to straighten out our idea's of sexuality. It is natural for boys to become curious about how sex works. We have an idea about how fun it is to touch ourselves; but we don't really know how it all works when we are around the age of 8-9.

My aunt straightened out the idea that my father had given me, but once again reinstated the idea that sex only happens during a "very special time" during two people. This really made me go back to the idea my father had given me that you have to schedule out a sex appointment!. I did not really understand why you would have to schedule something like sex. Here is my tip to all parents or guardians when teaching your children how sex works - do be careful how you compose your words because it's really not easy piecing sex together from your original ideas - to how it really works.

Today I am 23 years of age and I've experience loss, gain, trust, distrust, abuse, longing for love, friendship, betrayal and coming to terms with myself. In the end I am still quite naive when it comes to sexuality. I have a lot more skin to fill in order to truly embrace my being and walk with my head high above churches, haters and even my own family. I am a gay male who is still questioning himself for the paths he's taken to get where he is today. I am a Domestic Violence advocate at WomenSpace. I am a human, My mother, my friends and my family have survived sexual violence, and I encourage you to come back and read more at Boy Disappearing to show your support for Sexual Assault Awareness month.

I have so many more stories about how I've come into my own sexuality, I can't wait to re explore the past and share with you all the present of my sexual chronicles. I was taught as a Catholic that you are to put clamp on sexuality, this is something that I m still getting through. I look forward to doing some research and to write out all my my thoughts on various sub topics of sexuality. Once again I encourage anybody who's reading this to head on over to The Rape Abuse & Incest Nationl Network (RAINN) to show your support of my blog or make a donation for Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Link them to this blog and tell them what you think. Also visit my buddies @Kapgar.com for more info on the 2008 blog contest. Thanks to everyone who has read my blog in the past and welcome to all of those who are just now tuning in. Be well.

-S

We built this city on anger.

2008-03-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

Right now I just need to write this out because it's hurting me not to at least acknowledge the pain. This weekend my boyfriend and I took a trip to the city to get away from all of our smaller town woes and just relax. He got us this beautiful Hotel room which is very mod and chic. In fact I am drawing a lot of inspiration from this room, and I want to bring that style back into my own apartment when we return back to E-----e.

Last night J. and I went to a local Dyke bar to support a new friend that we had made through a mutual friend. The bar was a smoky little dive with tons of drag kings and harsh looking women who ended up being very supportive of us "men" being in the building. After a good long round of drinks and Karaoke it was time for us to return to our Hotel room and get some sleep. I was pretty much sober but my boyfriend was hammered. I did not let him know however; that I was indeed sober again, because I was trying to avoid his very typical "are you mad at me" conversation.

By the time we'd hit the corner, he was refusing to call a cab and suggested that we walk our way back to the hotel. At this point I knew that we were miles across town and that walking would not be a good idea because we don't know the city. This is when he began to pull out some harsh attitude with me and tried to start a fight. I did not respond accordingly to what I was feeling on the inside at that moment because it would have resulted in him confronting me with questions that have no right answer; no matter how easy they may be.

I had suggested that we were heading in the wrong direction and that we needed to stop, and this is when he turned to me and began yelling at me saying that "Don't FUCKING tell me I'm wrong, when I know that I'm right, you always do that to me . . . I'm SMARTER Than you and you and you need to shut up", it was at this point that I began to feel some "fight" in me but decided not to defend myself, the most that I did was ask him to please "Stop yelling at me". I had to repeat this about 6 times before he firmly grabbed at my wrist [enough to hurt and startle me] for about a few seconds and say once more that I'm not as smart as him so I needed to stop talking.

The rest of the wait for our taxi was spent by me pretending to feel safe, and pretending to be happy. This morning as I woke next to him I did not feel as safe as I normally do. I feel hurt and I don't think that he will accept what I have to confront him with on this case. Generally as it has been explored in this scenario; my boyfriend hates to be "wrong". And when we argue - I generally have to back down because he will not see his actions clearly. It feels as though I am the one who is expected to make changes, and I am the one who gets "called out" for my quirks, and I am the one who has to make it right.

Last night is nothing new, we go through some form of confrontation every time he drinks. The last time that got really drunk however; he decided to judge me and make me feel somewhat less than human, and he yelled at me for being too drunk [which I was] but when I needed his support the most - he felt justified in not lending a hand to me. So where's the balance in this ?, somehow I am starting to feel taken for granted, like he thinks that it's alright to yell at me the way he did last night, and not at least apologize or make corrective action to make it right again. Am I dealing with an age difference here?, what makes it right for me to feel this way? do I have to keep this hurt a secret once more in order to keep the peace ?. What am I to do?.

It's hard when you love somebody, but you begin to feel as though you are "expected" to be perfect. And when you give and give and give - what's stopping that person from expecting to receive again, and again. I ask for three basic components, Honor, Respect, and loyalty. I believe that these things create the formula for a real love. So what do you do when you are beginning to feel constantly insulted, on the edge ["is he going to cheat?"], scared to express your feelings, or terrified that he'll ignore you for the night when you do express yourself.

I do not want to write this blog however; without saying how much I do love J-. He does surprise me with kisses, and he does hold me when I cry. He does express the little things which make us all feel special. And I do love him, some how the first day we met I knew this. But I think that he has a lot of anger inside of him which tends to lash out toward me. And now that we are living together, I feel it a lot more than I did when we were in separate apartments. We have gone through a lot together so far, and the thought of losing him feels like a cut to the chest.

So I'm at a slight bit of a draw here, and I don't know what to do about it. He was drunk - so I can't exactly hold him fully accountable for his actions. I feel like if he were sober then maybe I would be able to hold him at full responsibility. But then again, we are all held accountable for our actions, and he would confront me or cuss me out if I did the same thing to him as he did unto me last night. I can not clean this mess, for he is the one who could not stop at one drink. And it hurts me to say that here, I do not mean any harm to him when I say that. I am not suggesting anything by saying that - but I need to stand up for myself here and not fix his error. Especially when I was the one that fell some what victim to his anger.

I'm Just Having Thoughts . . .

2008-03-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

Let me breathe -

This past week has been nothing less than pure stress, and today I am in dire need of personal time. I need to do the things that I love to do without obligation to anybody else. I need to just go for a long walk without a curfew, I need to go to a bar without fear of being called out for being too drunk. I just need a little bit of me time to rejuvenate my inner self and my soul.

At the present moment, I am somewhat apprehensive about returning back to my home which I now share with my boyfriend. There are times when I need alone time, and that is now a place where I cannot attain that. I love my boyfriend, I would do anything for him, and I truly believe that we are of the few successful gay couples in this town. But like any other person, I would be a liar to myself if I said that I did not need my own time every now and again.

The problem is that from time to time I feel like I am constantly accounting for my actions and my whereabouts. If I come home later than I anticipated (generally due to catching rides from my sister) I tend to receive the 'silent treatment' from my boyfriend who does not like it when I am late to arrive for an evening at home. But sometimes I want to stay with my mother, and sometimes I just need to be away from my house and that is perfectly reasonable. Thing is that I am too afraid to request this, because my boyfriend says "You're leaving me again for the whole day", and those words are powerful and make me feel like a real jerk.

With the constant stress of following through for him, I also have the added stress of accounting to my mother why it is that I am always in such a rush home on Sunday's. She still knows nothing of the fact that I have a boyfriend and is still under the impression that I am living alone. The lie that I've given her is going to hurt when brought to truth, and that is something I am having a hard time coming to terms with. My boyfriend is beginning to resent that fact that he is still unknown to my mother which makes me once again feel like the bad guy in this big picture. I am living a triple life here and it's really getting to me. But I need not be judged for the choices that I make, and I need not be held accountable for the needs that I have. I need to be respected and honored for the few needs that I ask for.

I really love my boyfriend, last week he ended up in the Hospital for a stomach related illness which had him in excruciating pain. The though of him in pain, and me not being able to fix it really scared me. When it was all over I ended up breaking down in tears in his arms because the thought of losing him or the thought of him being so scared and alone in his pain, scared me and made me feel helpless. I love him, I want to be there for him, I want to take his pain away, I want to heal him. Since the day that I met him, I knew that I wanted to protect his heart - it's something that I'd never felt before for another person. I genuinely care about him, and I have made many life changes based on his needs. I only feel it to be fair that he understand my needs, and that he value them as well.

A Word, a Thought, a Call For Justice.

2008-03-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

I'm growing tired. I'm tired of trying anymore and I'm tired of being a fool. I'm under control and I'm tired of it. I try to express myself but I get in trouble for it. I try to sing but I'm made fun of for it. I try to show emotion but I am judged for it. I try to love but somehow it's not good enough. There is nowhere to turn, nowhere to go. Sometimes when I need to express myself, I feel as though it's not OK. But everybody else in this world can say or do whatever they desire. It's just not fair for me to feel like this, and to constantly change myself when others remain exactly the same, as though it's not a possibility.

Frame The Story, but Do Not Define The Book.

2008-03-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

2008 . . . oh what a year she's growing to be. I know that it's March and that I haven't updated anything around here in a while. Hell who's really reading this anyway?. I remember when I made this blog. It was a means for private and secret expression. Nobody was allowed to know who I was - thus I chose the name of Boy Disappearing. I created it during a time in my life when I felt the need to be depressed even though I was happy.

The darkness fascinates me. It protects me from vulnerability and the scorn of being made a fool. To truly feel is something that I steer away from at times. To tell the truth is something that I am learning to become more in touch with but to remain very weary of. And love is something that I have always held inside and finally have somebody to express to. But sometimes I feel imperfect and imperfection scares me.

Daily I am called to be perfect and responsible in all that I do. Truth in conflict is important for sake of holding true to ones self. Yet I often feel like an asshole when I don't have an answer. And sometimes I feel as though I am not being heard. My fears are not validated, and my insecurities are amplified by my thoughts. Yes, 2008 has been a lesson in loss and gain. I remember on the 31'st of December when I realized that this year would be a year of change and growth. Unlike 2005-07's "Year of Miracles" to which the pains of the past somehow made their way out of the door.

Each year will teach me something new about myself. And this year I am growing up. My sheltered existence is in peril, and that is OK. I am learning about finance, love, the self and the soul. I am going through the gambit and I accept that challenge for I know that I will come out as a warrior, and not the defense.

Being fired from my job at STA Travel taught me a great lesson in that I am not to allow anybody to step over me. My boyfriend has begged me to never fight against the enemy but to rise above the enemy through love and respect. This lesson is especially hard for me because I have never defended myself against the aggressor. I am used to being a doormat, and it hurts to be walked on. I try to know everything before it's even expressed by another so to always be on their page. I try to live in a 50/50 household where nobody feels over loaded with work. But I fall short of perfection and it scares me when I see myself for that. It scares me that I am 23 and still "lost" in my own insecurity.

The anger that I've expressed in the past is no longer with me. Now I see clearer, but not the BIG picture. I find it hard to see that picture. I tend to focus on small details which only frame the story but do not define the book. I'm stressed out beyond natural means -- like a bomb shelter in middle earth. I try to relax but something happens in my mind when I think that I am not living up to the expectations of others. And that is why I took a medal from my necklace last night and whipped my wrists with it. Because I do not know how to keep everything safe and in control.

I hate it when the shit hits the fan. Because when the shit hits the fan - people runaway and I don't want to be alone. All that I want is to be respected and seen as an individual with a great flare for fun and a deep concern for the human condition. Sometimes I just feel like "The Fool" when I'm out and about. Some people find me to be quite odd, while others find me to be the life of the party. Some would call me smart and intellectual while others would call me ignorant, daft and irresponsible. But the question is - how do I define myself?. Why wont I stand up anymore ?. Why can't I just act - why is it so hard to be a warrior for peace in a radical world. Why is it so hard to be myself around those that I love the most. Why do I feel judged and held constantly accountable for my thoughts and words - why can't free thought and jibber jabbre be legal in the court room?.

My real confession here is that I enjoy the darkness for it keeps me in touch with my defense mechanisms. True darkness is my worst fear of all. Being alone, unloved and betrayed; judged and made fun of. That is the darkness that I listen to from the other room. I listen because I need to make sure I know the plan before it effects me, so that I can avoid the pain of losing true happiness. And all that I ask for is for somebody to simply understand this, and not judge me for this, and to support me through the process of getting out of this mind frame.

I'd wake up only I'm not asleep.

2008-02-25T18:59:00.000-08:00

I'd try to kiss you, but you just turn your cheek
I'd say I love you but you walk out the door.
Id try and be there for you, but you seem not to need me.
Failure to communicate this sends me into doubt.
Sometimes I worry that I'm not "the one".
Sometimes I fear that you will lose "love".
When I need a friend I need you.
When you need a friend, you have me.
Yet times like now, I feel as though I'm just standing in your way.
Days like today, I'm just a failure and you're a shining star.
Always a slave and never an equal, I look inside myself to see this evil.
Such doubt of my own confidence, such sacrifice of my own will.
Learning how to provide love is easy, but learning self love takes skill.
I love you, I have love to give you. Sometimes I feel as though you dont want to talk to me.
Are you pretending to sleep.
Do you wake as I drift out the door on mornings?.
Am I even special anymore . . .
Do I do it?

Heart of Pain

2008-01-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

Please heal me of the fear

please take my pain.

please stop of the worry

before it goes too far.

Just don't leave me in the cold.

Because I've been down for so long.

I can't seem to look up.

I'm used to this.

I have love to give.

Please dont use it.

I have care to give, dont abuse me.

My reactions are killing us.

I'm failing to do it right.

I fear I fear I fear I fear

It seems as though it's all I do.

I worry, and I worry, and I worry.

I can't stand up on my own.

Am I so wrong to ask for a little help?

Am I wrong to say

Please don't look at other men that way ?

Am I so vile to feel

Please honey take the wheel.

Guide us to the sunshine

I'm so tired, I can barely see.

My eyes are full of sand tears.

Ones that can't talk, but they exist.

My heart is full of pain,

All I long for is to be loved, held and adored.

I pray for success, but I can't find it.

I've been on my knees for so long.

Pull me up from this gutter . . .

only I can do that.

Why do I feel so sad again?.

I worry that I'm not your joy

I fear that you'll move away

I swear I didnt mean it to come out that way

But god I love you, since I met you

all I wanted to do was heal your pain --

And now I'm silent in my own .

CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT JESUS CHRIST MICHAEL !!!!!

2008-01-26T21:17:00.000-08:00

Although it's not Christmas season anymore, I just found this video on Youtube.com and I had to post it because it's fucking hillarious !

Untitled

2008-01-24T12:59:00.000-08:00

These lies

This shame

My body

your frame

Years pass

I lie

Your vision

My life

Time lands

in your hand

my hands

remain empty

waiting for mine

this time

my time

when its fine

With you

not me

let them see

the real me

cast my wish

into the sea

cast my heart

out to thee

find the thread

cut the strings

after all

were all one being

Exsistence is equal

my secrets are sacred

yet my being suffers

So let it be written

So let these words make it done.

Something to write about ....

2008-01-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." -Ghandi

A Project In Progress ...................

(Thoughts to examine)

"Christ outside of The Christian Church"
"Relationships based on Christs teaching"
"Christianity today"
"The baseline message of Jesus Christ"
"Other Religious examinations of The Christ"
"Philosophy VS. Control; Man's manipulation of Christs Teachings"
"Love thy Neighbor ... Judgement; Laws and human rights within Christs Teachings"
"Taking Back The Church : The end of ideal and the true practice of Christianity"

Until Further Notice

2008-01-15T16:32:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, I'm posting this to let you know that due to work related issues of being online too much at work, I will not be able to post during my free time at work. I don't have my own lap top and I'm about to lose my job if I do anything more online around here. So - - - until further notice or a weekend, I'll try my best to keep posting. And believe me, I'll fill you in on the full story (the mother fuckers I work for) . . .

-BD

March.

2008-01-02T09:52:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everybody !, This will mark my first post for 2008. I've got some high hopes out for 2008. It seems as though every year we hold high hopes for the new year; only to find out that they don't come true. One of the lessons that I am carrying from 2007 into the new year is that we have to create our own successful dreams. Action over idea would be the mantra that comes to my mind when I think about the process. We hold more power in our state of mind than in anything else. The birth of success begins within "Yes, and", this is a rule that I learned in my improv 1 class last year. The rule applies to a scene in which a player presents a situation, scenario or idea. As the fellow actor in the "scene", you are required to agree with with other players by agreeing to the situation and adding to it. So the same can be said for our goals in life.

Ideas and goals need follow up in order to be documented and created. My personal stance upon following up with anything in my life needs a lot of work. I put things off until the last minute and often times that leaves me standing at station "A" forever, I need to head over to station "B" and hopefully make it to "Z" by 2009. So what's the plan stan ?. No clue, but it should start with making a proper change toward happiness. I've been thinking about leaving my job now for a while and every day I feel stronger about the idea of getting out of the office for good. However there are a few things that I need to do before I depart. I will not leave this place before I have a new job lined up behind this one. I'm looking for an upgrade, something that has benefits as well. $12-15 per hourly wage would be great. I'll need full time in order to pay the bills and save a buck. I'll also need to know what I am doing, selling travel is not my thing - I've never been outside of the USA and frankly I've been made fun of for it in the office. I do not like my job anymore and it's becoming toxic to my happiness.

If I stay here beyond March and continue to put up with the daily bullshit that I deal with, I can honestly say that I will lose it. I no longer have respect for the people that I work for and with. These people have treated me like shit for the past year, with the exception of my friend who got me the job and my previous boss Mar***. I understand that this post has taken a turn for the worst, but something has happened within the last five minutes which I cannot fight over anymore. A moment of belittlement between a co worker and myself. Sometimes I simply want to smack that cunt. The main thing that I can say about working here is that I learned more about myself than I ever thought. I learned about my strengths and weaknesses. I proved to myself that I can "stick it out" through all of my own self doubt. I will rise above this job. If I can sic things out until March, I will resign and move forward and on from this torture.

A Crappy Top Ten for 2007 ......

2007-12-31T10:04:00.000-08:00

As the year comes to a conclusion I feel compelled to write something to honor the lessons that I've learned in 2007. Some highlights may include the following :

#10 - Don't smoke from pipes of strange people that you do not know, especially when it's in a dark alley on the side of a gay bar.

#9 - Don't drink too many $1.00 well drinks, and follow them up with half a pack of American Sprits (yuck)

#8 - Don't spend $50.00 on a "hair trim"; and more than that, don't believe a "hair trim" means change.

#7- Always remember to hold yourself accountable for crimes committed against your friends and family. Do not deny your own evil, but also do not allow others to walk over you.

#6 - Do not trust your co- workers for they will step all over you and put smiles on to cover up the dirt they brought into your life. Your job is not your life ! - don't stress the bullshit.

#5- Confronting your ex is not a bad thing especially when you claim yourself again from the pain they caused to you in the year previous. Your voice is precious and your heart becomes truly untouchable once you have poured holy salt across the door step to keep the invaders from crawling back in.

#4- Making amends really counts. Giving up the pride and allowing others back in teaches us all a lesson of humility. Forgiveness is essential; but forgetting is not an option. Once you have given an act of forgiveness, it is essential to keep that unharmed by not holding any grudges. It's a selfless act but somebody has to do it.

#3- When we open our hearts to love, it will find us. Searching will open this door but it does not always find your lover. We fall may times before we succeed; however it is important to get up again when we fall.

#2- Being brave when it comes to finding a mate. Learning how to talk to "hot strangers" landed me a hot boyfriend. Sure you're kind of putting your ass on the line, but if a great conversation comes out of it then you've already completed step one.

#1 - Remember all such lessons and never forget them. Carry them with you into the new year and condition them so that they grow stronger. Take not your fears of the past into the present, and allow for people to prove themselves to you; rather than proving yourself to the world. Voice your needs, defend your self and aim toward success in all goals and endeavours.

HIV Pt.2

2007-12-24T13:36:00.001-08:00

It was all just a dream ..... Right ?

2007-12-20T10:50:00.000-08:00

This morning I had a dream. In this dream myself and my boyfriend were in Po****** and some how Cree showed up. For those of you who do not remember, this boy named Cree once treated me with one of the greatest disrespects ever. He was "the other man" and he took pride in it. I remember saying hello to his young man, the first time that I'd ever met him and he told me "Dont talk to me, you're white". Being drunk at the time I stupidly laughed it off, but thought to myself "wait a second you racist little twirp ...". It was shortly followed by an entire evening of him putting me down racially and interrupting me mid scentence. This boy - is 23 years of age, the same as myself. Treating me like an ignorant 2 year old who missed his baba.

Cree and J****** met last summer on the same day that I met J******* in August. A friendship was made between the two of them. I've tried my best not to let anything get to me - but some how I feel like Cree is going after my boyfriend. J****** once even told me that Cree wanted to fool around with him recently. I tried my best to take the news as an act of trust asking my boyfriend "well you told him that you were with somebody right?", and though he said that he did, I questioned weather or not he wanted to or not. So in my dream this morning, Cree was standing with no clothes on butunderwear and J******* and I walked into his house, Cree then began this child like baby laugh with flapping eyelids and grabbed my boyfriend from my arms, he then kissed J****** right before me as I began to panic, Cree began to laugh. J****** seemed confused but also intrigued by the kiss and leaned in for another one. At this point of my dream I tried to grab my boyfriend back but cree turned to me saying "leave, you have no place here". And that is when in my dream I began to cry and feel rage. I then took J****** back and kissed him, he seemed to know that he was with me, so he kissed me back. But then Cree came back at him ..... this is when Iwoke up with tears in my eyes.

I've tried my best not to let their friendship intimidate me, but I don't trust Cree at all. Am I out of line?, am I being jealous?, or should I feel like I have a value over this boy, this creature that once took another boyfriend away from me. This boy who showed no hesitation to treat me like shit based on the color of my skin, this boy who told me to shut up mid scentence .... this boy. I hold a love for my boyfriend, and I will not control his friendships, I will trust him to do the right thing - but I do not trust his friend Cree.

It Must Be Botox

2007-12-19T16:42:00.000-08:00

So in 2005 Tori Amos came out with this CD called The Beekeeper, there was something noticably different about her face, I just could not locate it. Something ... different. In 2007 Tori Amos came out with a new record called American Doll Possee, something very different had happened to her face - this time I realized that it must be botox. You decide ....

(Tori Amos in 2002, Scarlets Walk promo appearance in the UK)

(Tori Amos Blender.com interview 2007. Mind the wig, her face looks odd !)

Don't get me wrong I love this woman and her message, her music and her personality but I've grown fearful that she has taken an appreciation to botox.

I Quit.

2007-12-19T11:07:00.000-08:00

So here's a little story about a boy who entered into a new job. He struggled and fought but found that it was not worth it. The company that gave him a health plan also took away so much of his natural happiness and free spirit. He didnt want to quit because then he'd lose him home, his freedom and his sense of presence. But when he met his ne boss, he looked him in the eye; somehow he knew this was not going to be a healthy realtionship. The new boss spoke the national language of corporate power; though he claimed to be an anarchist. The beast that he had to co work with called him names and tried to get him fired. He had no clue that a single office in bum fuck America could be so cruel. He had a choice - excel and rise in a job that he didnt give a shit about to begin with. Or fall and crumble bringing everyone down with him. Somewhere inside of him he felt his darkness arrive; that special place in all of us that we hide every day. We dont want to see it not listen to it but it's there. And it shows itself when we've been kicked down for so long. That anger longs to rise from the depths of the sea, and when it recieves one breath of air - that is all that it takes to give it a voice, show it some flesh and allow it to walk into the world you once treated as equal. But now you have to rise above it and sometimes it's required that you kick some ass along the way. To become emotionless is the only way to rise. This is my Jessica, my evil willow ... this is me saying ..... I QUIT.

Forgive us our tresspassors.

2007-12-18T10:53:00.000-08:00

The act of forgivness demands us to no longer act out upon pain and suffering. This is not an easy task when one is dancing in the ring of fire. Pain in itself is both horrible yet addicting. For when we see ourselves as the victim to another's actions, we in turn become the enemy. A man cannot stand rightious in his victimhood for that state of mind will only allow him to stand apart from his fellow beings. In truth we are called to unite with one another and work through that pain and suffering. If only we could understand this formula, if only it made sense; if only our emotions did not control us to travel great lengths in order to hurt one another.

A few weeks ago I emailed Jael and Ellen [if you need reference, you can see my summer post "Dear Ellen"]. I told them how I was sorry for the actions and words which I activley used in order to separate myself from the two of them. Clearly I was intimidated, but one can not deny their source of pain and worry. And when that is not recognized by the other party; one may be driven to scream it out loud from the cliffside and to the shore. That's what I did, that's what drove us three apart and brought those two closer together.

Now that I am in my own relationship, I can truly see what it is to care about somebody more than yourself. And in that I can see that attraction and commitment mean the world to any man or woman who longs for a meaningful connection. At the end of the day - humans long for the essence of connection, the core to the meaning and the fruit of it's bearings. We find it in so many ways. Weather we find this connection through spirit, drugs or the body; man kind will always be on the search to connect to the source.

So who was I to really judge my two friends for finding that connection in each other?. This was the question that brought me to contacting them after a year of silence. I wrote them two seperate emails and told them both that I was sorry for the feelings of jealousy and betrayal which drove me to take the actions that I did in an attempt to destroy their relationship together. In the end my efforts only brought them closer together, which is a lesson in itself of physics. In the end, I feel peace within knowing that I have forgiven them. I feel as though I have grown to a degree, I feel the love I once had for them again.

Yesterday I spoke with Ellen on the telephone. Unfortunatley she wanted to bring up the uglies again and talk about the "he said / she said" business again. In my intellect, I knew it was not an area that I needed to touch on, but for her she needed closure on a few disputed/different stories that she'd been holding on to for the year. I could have argured with her again, for there were about two accusations against me which I can honestly say are fully untrue. I allowed for her to voice herself, and I did not argue back. There are some things which we can internally sacrifice when we know we are in the right. Others can think horrible of us, but if we are honest to our own actions- we hold the sacred flame of peace in our hearts.

This is just .... you decide.

2007-12-18T09:31:00.000-08:00

Hillarious, or disturbing ?. I'm not sure.

Not Again.

2007-12-16T16:02:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid of the things I need to say because I dont want you to take them wrong. I am fearful to be vulnerable because I don't know that you know how to help me. Some days I need a saviour, I need to be held - but I'll never ask you because I don't want to be a needy being. I often wonder if I appear as strong to you or if you think I'm easy. I sometimes worry to myself that you see me as a time passer. Is any of this real?, do you really feel?. Today I can't stop thinking of how easily I could lose you. The proposition fom your father to move you back home is tearing my ears apart, my inability to trust the future scares me beyond compare. Somehow in times like these I feel as though it's best to be silent and not let you know what I fear most - losing this connection. Is that old news?, are we over it?, do we care anymore?. I still need to know that I mean something to you more than a man that cooks and cleans and rubs your shoulders at the end of the day. I need to know that you appreciate me, I need to know that I am special. I need to know that this means as much to you as it does to me. There is nothing even to worry about, I dont want to bring this up because it will cause a fight and I can't handle that .... not again. I die everytime you are upset with me, I die inside because I don't have anything else to fight for, and when you are not around I feel empty. So please tell me you'll stay, and hold me tonight because I feel like a child inside. Don't want mommy to die, scared of the dark, don't lie to me ; darling please don't break my heart. Just tell me that you love me, tell me that you care, tell me this means everything to you, tell me "don't be scared". And hold me, just hold me. Protect me as I long to fight for you from the evil outside. Let me know something - for work is of the nothing if not seen like the blind.

If you got it you'd laugh.

2007-12-14T13:42:00.000-08:00

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ! OMG blah blah?, well blah blahb lahb blah blah !. Haahhaahahahaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Awwwww Tori Amos everybody ! Tori Fuck'n Amos !

2007-12-13T17:22:00.000-08:00

So this is what Tori looks like without the Doll Posse get up.

I personally feel really happy when I see these pictures.

It gives me hope that Tori is not just a character, but rather a real person.

She's been doing the glam thing for so long now that I've lost a bit of vision for her.

But when I see candid's like this it reminds me of the awesome alterna-rocker

that I fell in love with in the 1990's. If only she'd play music in her regular clothes again

and not all of this "designer picked" tour get up that she started with Scarlet's Walk in 2002.

Cut my skin to find me new.

2007-12-13T10:19:00.000-08:00

So many skinny, beautiful, flawlessly built, flat chested and hairless young men around me. All of my friends, my boyfriend and the lot ... why was I not born this way?. Why am I surrounded by these greek demi gods?. I am happy with myself, but sometimes I too see these men and wonder why I was not blessed with their natural abs, high cheeks and clear complexions. These boys who walk with their shoulders back in confidence because they know they are petite enough to look amazing. These boys haunt me because I wish I were like them. And when I see my naked body in the mirror, I don't see anything more than an average body with baby fat on it, broad chest, love handles and pale chubby arms. I need to change this, how will I ever be like those boys?. Even my boyfriend has their body .... it's genes goddammit. And it's not fair that I'm an average pig.

Verbal Vomit

2007-12-12T13:03:00.000-08:00

That's it, I'm fed up. I don't even want to try anymore. I am too tired to give an inch of a cock touch toward my customers needs aymore. I hate customer service work and I hate my job. I'm tired of this office right now. I need a vacation like a blood transfusion. I'm dying in here. This place is sucking the me out of me. I don't even know who I am anymore, I feel like an alien has taken over my mind as all I do is worry about customers. All that I've done since the begining of this job is worry, worry, worry. I am always on the chop block, I could lose my job on any given day, I'm stressed out in every sense of the word and I am becoming really angry.

The mere soud of a telephone call from a customer makes my blood boil. I am so sick of STUPID FUCKING students and RUDE faculty and shitty bosses with tempermental co workers. What ever happened to me?, my dreams, my life, my goals. Did I ever have any?. I don't think I do, that or I do not believe in them enough to even try. I don't think that I am worthy of the success that I long for. I think that I am stuck in the mind frame that I am to take what is given to me and to love it like there is no tomorrow. Well I am loving my job like I'd love to be raped. This sucks and I can't get away from it. I'm not asking to leave from it, BUT I need a week off from this god damned office. I cant even catch a breath.

I am trying to quit smoking as well, and thats becoming harder as the days roll on. I'm staying at home with my boyfriend more often which is nice. It helps me stay out of trouble (cigarettes at bars). I just feel like all I do is work. I am working for this relationship, I am working to pay the rent, I am working to keep my job, I am working to be happy, I am working to stay sane ... I am really stressed out and eventually I am going to break. I need reinforcement, some kind of support to homd me up when I stumble. Luckily last night J****** showed me some of that support by lending me an ear to my complaints and fears. This is something that I need every now and again. I can't go at this alone, I am fighting to remain human here and I really need a rest. I'm tired, I am on the go go go go go go go go go.

I'm out of touch with my family, I am always complaining on this blog. I am tired of being out of control. I need to take control and quit accepting un due crap that comes my way. It's like junk mail, why would I keep every piece of junk mail that came to my door?. I toss it as I recieve it, so why am I not doing the same. Or why is it that I have NEVER seen the bigger picture?. I am so focused on the details that I cannot see the big picture in front of me. What the hell does that even look like?. I am becoming more so angry as I am writing this because I am fucking frustrated with myself I think I am a fucking idiot. I'm not doing it right, I am not doing anything right. No I'm doing something right. I am fighting for love, while keeping a job that I hate in order to be responsible and support myself. Thats positive.

I'm bummed out that I missed the Tori Amos show in Oakland last weekend. All of my friends went but I didnt. It's not so much that I am jealous of them, but I feel like I needed something fun to do. Something to make me happy and break away from all the responsibility and anger. All of the fear, all of the anxiety I wish it away. I need to feel free again and this job is really holding me down. I also have a horrible fear of losing my boyfriend. Either to another man or to him just calling it quits. I suppose that comes from my notion that we have to work to make things last. And I am working hard on him. I'm just tired and I need for him to take the wheel for a minute so that I can breathe.

I'm betting on the idea that everything is going to be okay. But I also need for somebody to let me know that I am correct in thinking that way. I'm not a service man to the world, rather the world should be my greatest resource for joy, information and gain. I should not have to give myself away to every customer, my boss, my co workers .... I dont owe them a thing. I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm tired.

Smoke

2007-12-11T17:04:00.000-08:00

I feel completely antsy this afternoon as there is nothing to do at work. And yet I feel really scared of my boss because of him writing me up last week for "slacking off". To be honest he's really begining to get under my skin, I felt really upset over that one and by his passive/aggressive behaviour. Yet Da****** shows up to work each morning late and I've heard nothing about a write up for her. So where is the justice in this?. I'm actually growing resentful toward him. I understand that I was not right in taking personal time to overcome stress, but I feel as though rules are being bent for Da****** because a tree fell on a part of her house. I'm not trying to get her in trouble, but I'm really sick of being the only one to get in trouble. And when I feel like this, I get a truly "fuck all" attidtude toward the arena.

I've always dealt with this sort of shit, and it's because I honestly dont give a fuck when the shit hits the fan. When I feel like shit I add to the pile and thats not good. But the truth is that I'm damn fucking near sick of being blamed for all the wrong. Somehow my mother keeps coming up when it comes to this one. And I do not know what good it does to say this but I find myself tired as well of getting all the blame for all of the things that my siblings do. Or how about all of the times when I was a kid and I took the blame of my cousin and the back hand of his father for the crap my cousin would pull.

I'm stressed and ...

God damn it I want a cigarette. I won't but I'm craving (thats sick isnt it). Will power will save me.

The Tower.

2007-12-07T17:17:00.000-08:00

I just asked the cards if I should go to California this weekend and it said something about my future with the tower card. I have only heard ugly things about this card. I have only heard of people cringing over that card and ofcourse I am freaking out. It says that it's in the near future and that I need to be ready for changes. So I'm ... trying not to believe it. I'm actually getting scared of how much I am using Tarot cards these days. It is as though I am so out of control that I need these damn things to control me. And that is where I never wanted to be. So I ill have to find myself back to square one and make myself ignorant to them. Afterall the truth of it is that they do not mean anything unless you allow them to. Much like any other force of energy or power out there. So I will simply not allow this one to take me over. Unfortunatley my mind wors in such a way that this has bee recorded and now I believe it, much like I believe in most anything because I am horribly gullable.

Truth in success :

2007-12-07T11:58:00.000-08:00

Today my horoscope says a confrontation is coming my way. I feel like Tru Calling here as I am trying to keep my eyes and earsout for who it is and when. Tomorrow I am probably going to head over to Oakland CA for a Tori Amos show. I'll probably be back home by Tuesday. Luckily my boss is being cool about me taking a few days off. The only thing is that I'm so stressed out and worn down that I don't even feel like I should be going down there for any reason.

I need to take control again over a few minor aspects of my life in order to make proper change. I need to attain a driver's license and buy a car. I need to have my house blessed and cleanse myself of negative energy through some kind of conselling. I feel as though the events of this week have left me feeling quite a void of power and direction. My job has suffered, my relationship has mended but my spirit is still healing.

Positivity can exsist even when we are at our lowest state of being. Conciousness does not have to be stress. But stress is such a present energy within our working, living and love lives. All that I seek is peace in all places. I do not like confrontation, I don't take much of a stand for myself when I believe there is something to lose. I see myself as unbalanced, because I have to hold myself back from arguing ... I somehow think that I'll either become too upset or I will go for the kill and ruin it all.

Work is driving me crazy. The more than my customers want, the more I want to flip out. I go crazy every time a customer asks me something stupid or repeats the wrong answer to me. My eating habits have gone so far off that I've put on about 10 pounds in 4 months, I must weigh about 175 now compared to the 140 I weighed last December. I do feel quite disgusting about that. Too many drinks and too much fatty food. Nothing natural and yet I feel like it's the one thing I can control but in the opposite directon. In the past I'd stop eating fo control, but that was because I lived a very seldom life. No job, a very open schedule, I had plenty of time to focus my energy on losing weight and controlling my intake. But now that I am working full time, and my life is spinning in circles, I feel as though I am rebelling against those old habits and I am eating whatever I want and whenever. And that has added a lot more me to me.

I am the director to the film that is my life. I should not accept foul play or bad actors or else my film will not be a success. I also have to take care of myself in order to make sure that everybody else recieves the best of me. This tells me that I do not see any value in myself. This tells me that I am allowing disaster to take place because I am too scared to save the world. If I wait too long for everything to feel safe.... maybe my dreams will never come true. Honest and real success come to those who took risks and put their fear on the back burner.

That Burning Wont Stop.

2007-12-06T17:13:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Friday and all that I can say is get me to the fucking finish line NOW!. This week has been nothing but emotionally unstable, wreckable and disasterous. Now that everything seems to be in the clear with J******, tomorrow is his birthday and I'm wondering what to do for him. My Boss wrote me up yesterday without warning me of putting that policy into use, and threatened termination of employment if I do not make changes. On top of that I'm still recovering from the argument that Jonathan and I had over the week. Now I find myself having bits of free foating anxiety and panic attacks often. Offset by thoughts and memories. The truth is that J******* and I did not really resolve anything. We just sort of slept together and called it even. And that leaves me thinking, "Does he even like me anymore?". Because one of the last things he said to me before we diverted the conversation was "I dont see you the same way that I used to anymore, and it's going to take some time for me to like you again". So what's going on ?, and as I think about it, I get that burning feeling in my chest again like the death of a family member has just been reported to me. What is going to happen?. Why wont this burn heal?

Death is your gift.

2007-12-05T15:21:00.000-08:00

I feel completely dead inside. I got a write up at work today for having a bad day yesterday. My boyfriend and I are on break up road. I want to work it through but somehow I dont have the energy to fight prideful accusations. My friends are sick, a girl I know just had to witness an excorsicm. I'm using Tarot cards and I'm pretty sure that my life is in chaos at this point. I think that it is important to take the wheel again ... and this time I dont know what direction to go in. I'm tempted to move out of this god forsaken town again. Leave this apartment which holds sad memories and go to some place new. Maybe I'll change my name and start a new life. Maybe I'll be a hooker on Santa Monica BLVD. Maybe I'll just die tonight and wake up in a dream tomorrow where everything is as I wanted it to be. All relationships work out, no sicknesses are to result. No emotions are blown out of porportion. All jobs mean nothing and the only thing that matters is love. So where is love ?. I feel so judged and punished from the one I care most, I feel so lost in the battle now that I can't pick my body up from on the ground. I do feel completely alone again ... and alone is the last place I wanted to be. Somewhere out there I don't believe that God intended for me to find a mate. So many humans example a style of living, sex before love, love conditioned by sex. Is there anybody else out there who will see me for me and respect my values?, who will let me love them and not call me a freak. Oh you sick circumsised world, cut off from all true ties. Oh you sad grave dissapointment, a life so full of lies. Nothing is perfect; this I do know, but tell me why do I feel so all alone. I scream to the sky "God wontyou throw me a bone". I've been chastized and let down, I've accepted to seek through. But somehow, sometime .... I have to let this die. I'm dying inside and it's like suffocation .... I'd like to trust again but this story just re affirms to me that nothing ever works out. It will always die ... always.

Morbid Curiosity

2007-12-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

I'm standing in the wind with tears building in my eyes.
Cold rain, whipping, dripping ;cascading upon my cheeks.
Chill, freeze and sorrow.
You won't see me tomorrow.
Standing cliffside and through the clouds I see
something more than you, and someone more like me.
Is this boat still standing, oh why wont it whisk me away.
Save me from this aweful ground, sweep me far, far away.
Take me on a holiday.

Turn around, back to the gael.
Wonder if this boat will ever set sail?.
The wind settles, knees in shackles.
Worries free and sorrows settled.
Something special about the moment
when I gave up on hope
Took my life upon a rope.
Settled sail .....
The finale to this tale.

Untitled

2007-12-04T10:47:00.000-08:00

SAVE ME !

YOU MOTHER FUCKER !

JUST FUCKING SAVE ME !!

SAVE ME FROM THIS PAIN !

THESE THOUGHTS !

THIS LET DOWN !!

AND THEY SAY THAT GOD IS ON MY SIDE

WELL WHRE IS THAT GOD WHEN EVERYONE HAS DIED

Because I'm tired of waiting for somebody to love me.
And I'm tired of feeling alone.
I know they say your family loves you.
But there are always too many needs.
Needs ... needs ... needs .... NEEDS NEEDS NEEDS !

I'M GOING CRAZY HERE

I'M BEING PUNISHED HERE

YOU DONT SEE IT

HOW CAN YOU SEE IT

PUNISHMENT

ANGER

PUNISHMENT

IM HUMAN

DONT THREAT

DONT THREAT

Numb, Cold and Lonely

2007-12-04T09:29:00.000-08:00

Just when you think it's al going well, your actions cause a tidle wave of betrayal and hurt. Where do we draw the line though?. Last night I confessed to my boyfriend that I'd had a few smokes as of late and he quickly got off of the phone with me. Moments later I am swarmed with messages of his being angry at me, upset and let down ... and then he told me not to be surprised when he cheats on me. . .

These words are stting on my chest as I try to justify his anger and let go of my own pain, and yet I can't do it. A smoke versus infidelity- you choose the draw here for I cannot see the connection. I understand that I made a promise to him not to smoke anymore and I've done damn well of it. Somehow I figured that one or two smokes was not "the breakdown", that if he were to ask me how I was doing with it, I'd tell him the truth but not flaunt around saying "Oh I smoked a cigarette with my guinness tonight !!". I'm trying so hard to work on his end with this one but I can't go there at the moment, I can't make myself out as the bad guy again when all I have ever done is try for this boy. I've even given up worrying; until now.

Last night as I walked all over downtown to clear my thoughts I began to talk out loud to myself. I'm scared to ask him to talk to me for I feel as though he's going to tell me "it's over". And although I am trying to project good energy upon it, I feel a sunken ship within like he's going to let me down. God help me, God help me, God help me ...

Last night I did not sleep at all. I layed there with tears in my heart but nothing on my face. Fears of being alone again raped my will to be optimistic. I prayed out to a God I once knew and asked for a guide ... somebody to love me. For if I can't love myself and my attemtps to show love for another have faild me yet again - then where is my love?. I am convincing myself that I'm not worthy of it because it's never here long enough to hold me in its warmth. I an't breathe, my lungs are hollow and my chest is heavy again. And somehow I am preparing my heart for the worst because I don't know if I'll win. . . I'm too tired to fight today.

The hardest part is that I do not want to move on. I don't want this to end, I want it to work out. Without details I'll be honest that I feel a bit hurt by him that he won't see me for me in this situation and I am now begining to feel taken for grantid. Because I've done all in my power, I've given my finances and I've shared more of myself with this guy than anybody ever allowed me to before. And yet last night ... last night I felt so much spite coming from him. A threat and a scauld - I'm not a child here and emotions should not be punished. Nobody is right or wrong in an argument it is only moral or immoral. Yes ... smoking is not healthy, perhaps I didn't think it was that big of a deal to have one. But now he's questioning my authenticity ... and this is one that I'll just have to deal with. God this fucking hurts .... it hurts because it's numb, cold and lonely in here.

The Power of No.

2007-12-03T16:42:00.001-08:00

I have allowed myself not to dwell on the little things anymore. I've told myself that "It's bullshit" and that one should not dwell upon the imagination for too long. And though there is so much of me that lives within the imagination I hve to believe in my power over the mind to get me through the lonely, hard and insecure times.

Last night as he left my apartment from a week together, I felt sad, alone and scared. Why did goodbye for now feel so bad. And why was it that I felt my fears whispering ino my ear all of the stories they once told. Why did I feel as though he didnt want to be around me. Why was I imagining him running off to make a phone call to a secret boy on the side and why did I allow myself to sit up nearly in tears for about 45 minutes. The truth is that I felt alone again for the first time in a week and it took 2.1 seconds for me to miss him like all hell again.

But the truth is that everything is beautiful and nothing is wrong. So I allowed for those thoughts to take place and I allowed myself to think them through with the knowledge that it was not real at all. Nothing is real until make into reality. I am starting to belive more so than ever that our thoughts conduct our reality. So I must stop allowing my insecurities and my negativity run the show. I believe in this relatonship, I've always been willing to work through anything in order to make it work. There is only one thing that I will not work with and that it betrayal of the heart and flesh.

So te lesson I am teaching myself is to surrender my control through not believing my mind. I've submitted my will toward a sense of "let it flow" and not worry. This has opened trust between J******* and I. We're more open than ever, and I feel a great success in this so far. I am also having to learn how not to fear voicing myself, and choose my battles. In the begining I felt as though I had to knit pick every "issue". Well every issue is not worth fighting, and every word is not worth breaking down. Sometimes we just have to accept what simply is the moment in order to work through it. And often times we learn that the outcome we feared, does not come through if we do not project it. So let's stop projecting the outcome and our mind will un-learn how to create it. This is the powerof No.

Nothing

2007-11-30T14:12:00.000-08:00

Okay .... so I feel a bit probed and somewhat more seinsitive than I wanted to be today. "Everythings going to be alright" I keep telling myself, I need to put these thoughts to rest. I need to not let distrust hurt me. I need not to pretend that anything is wrong, or that I'm about to be fired. I need not to focus on the negative but the temptation is here telling me to panic. So I'll try my best not to run from the fire as perhaps today it's best to burn, maybe it'll embrace me and show me that everything's okay.

Give me life

give me pain

give me my-self again

God it's hard to sway these thoughts, denial is probably the best when it comes to this. Denial enables me to remember that nothing is wrong when everything becomes confusing. I'm so afraid of it going wrong but today I will not let that happen. It takes work and sometimes it feels "fake" but I am determined to make this work, I am determined to prove to myself that my thoughts are my reality. And though I may be denying the fear, I am also doing a justice to my heart by telling myself that nothing at all is wrong. Nothing at all. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothingness is my friend in the hour of doubt. So it's time to focus again upon the positive ! and not to worry that time will create the enemy.

Let It Go

2007-11-30T13:11:00.000-08:00

This morning he recieved a text message from a boy that I do not like. A "frenemy" as they say. He showed and ounce of desire by his care and therefore I found myself a bit worried. This boy stole an ex from me in front of my face one year ago, and somehow he is back in my life. I cannot judge for they met on the same day before we did; only I met my boyfriend hours later. Last week J****** was telling me about how this boy Cr** wanted to meet up with him to mess around, this pretty much threw up a red flag to me. And while I wanted to find Cr** and kick his ass for even thinking of doing this again I also realized that he does not know I exsist in the middle of his desire.

The two issues here is ... well no there are three. The first is that Cr** has no boundaries, the second is that he is HIV positive and the third is that I question my boyfriend's desires. Does J****** value me over everyone else, or would a tryst with Cr** mean "sex" and sex only to him?. The major issue there would be for our health, if J****** has sex or even messes around with him, he is putting our relationship on the line and our health on the grill. I don't trust Cr** at all. And though I respect hi as a human being, I do not believe that he is a genuine and respectful person.

Sometimes I feel out of the loop as being white, as they are both bi racial. Somehow being white makes me feel like the underdog, and the "enemy". Sometimes I feel like I cannot compare to that connection. The truth is that I trust my boyfriend, I trust him because I have to. I trust him because if I do not, then I am opening the door for my worst fears to unfold before me. So I trust him because of his word. He tells me that he does not like Cr** in that way. But the simple fact that Cr** likes J****** makes me feel really intimidated. When all of this goes through my mind, I can go two ways with it. I can choose to take it as a battle, and keep an eye on my boyfriend; thus choosing to display distrust, or I can do nothing and show my boyfriend that i do indeed trust and respect him. For it is my ownpast with this Cr** dude that makes me feel anxious over there freindship.

The people that we choose to "hang" with show something about our desires inside. What I learned from hanging with Cr**, Aaron, Kolt and the gang, showed me a side to their group which displayed immaturity and lack of self control. Thankfully I resigned my position there before I allowed it to ruin my life. I'm not saying that I wish my boyfriend would do the same, but I feel as though I have a sense of knowledge when it comes to this boy. I feel as though I've chosen to depart from that group of people and I am somewhat upset that this one character has come back into my life, and between my boyfriend (once again).

In the end, I've been trying my best not to lay in my head over matters that are not in exsistence. It is not fair to anybody here to assume anything. So I am requiring myself to accept the current situation as long as it does not present itself as a problem. I am also trying hard not to feel any "needs" when it comes to being affirmed by my boyfriend. All that matters is that he and I enjoy each other's intimacy, company and respect enough to continue on with each other. I will not fear anything that has not come to my doorstep. But if there is ever a moment when it becomes clear to me that something is going wrong I will have no choice but to take action. So I will continue to try and keep the peace here. For I respect my boyfriend andI believe that he respects me too. And before I end this - I will let that one voice speak a few words.

"Please do not do anything to taint this trust. For if you do, then I will find myself broken again. 'Some say the heart is just like a wheel, when you bend it you can't mend it'. All that I can too is show you my love and I pray that you do not show me any reason not to love again".

Warrior

2007-11-28T12:18:00.000-08:00

"A warrior is someone with the strength to stand up for what he or she believes; someone who perseveres in the face of challenges and obstacles; someone who speaks and acts in the service of an ideal; someone who protects those who are too weak to fight for themselves." -

DailyOM.com

Last night I had to confront an ugly situation head on with a friend of mine who is very jealous of my boyfriend. As I was busy with a work event and away from my cell phone, this friend of mine took my cell phone and read a text message from my boyfriend who was at my house while we were out. He was simply asking that I stop by his house to grab him a set of clothes for work today. As she read this, she took it into her power to respond with "Sure ... I'm so glad that I'm your bitch.".

By the time I got back to our table to see that she was playing with my phone, I immediatley looked into my "sent messages" folder and noticed that message which was sent to J*******. Words could not describe the anger that was going through my blood as I called him to apologize and respond to any pain or confusion that may have sent to him. What the hell was her problem?, why would she fuck with me and my boyfreind like that?. When he answered, I could tell that he was upset and confused. I told him that I loved him and that I was very upset with what had just happened. He understood, and I followed through with my word to grab his clothes on my way home.

By the time that she'd realized I was gone, I was half finished with my conversation with J****** when I got an interruptng call from A**sha who was apologizing and claiming to be so concerned. As I confronted her on the matter she tried to justify herself with "Well you and I dont talk much anymore" and I told her "Not an excuse, you have no rights to send ANY messages to ANYbody in my contact lists" and shes looking a me as though she gives a shit, when I know that she does not. Later the same conversation happened and as she tried to once again say "I didnt know he was so sensitive", I said "I don't give a shit, you don't know him and you were rude to him, in my name." I then threatened her to say "I would never text your boyfriend and say 'Hey Derek, I know what your girlfriend's been up to with another guy named Anthony". At that point she grew increadibly quiet and seemed to be terrified.

I told her that I would not do such a thing, but that her actions that evening were just as bad. Her intentions were to be rude to my boyfriend and make him think that I was being an asshole. I'm baffled and do not understand the reasoning in her mind as to what the HELL gave her the temporary right to take business into her own hands. This woman is 28 years of age and sometimes I feel as though I am more mature and respectful than she will ever be in all of her years. I mean this is bullshit ... do NOT fuck with my boyfriend or you will be cut out and called out.

This is why I have that quote above. Last night I felt the warrior take responsibility from within. I fought for my boyfriends heart as well as our relationship. I took a stand against a "friend" and asserted my position as a man to her. This was not scary nor was it intimidating. This was a matter of business, this was a matter of defense and honesty. I'm fighting to keep this relationship, I'm fighting for him, I'm fighting for me. I'm fighting for a confusion free environment. And I don't think that I need to involve myself with those who are immature enough to willfully take my identity for a moment and hurt my boyfreind. Not cool .... not cool at all.

Hideaway . . .

2007-11-26T16:56:00.000-08:00

The Corrs

China

2007-11-26T16:08:00.000-08:00

Lyrics and words by Tori Amos (1992)

China all the way to new york
I can feel the distance getting close
Youre right next to me
But I need an airplane
I can feel the distance as you breathe

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China decorates our table
Funny how the cracks dont seem to show
Pour the wine dear
You say well take a holiday
But we never can agree on where to go

Sometimes I think you want to me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China all the way to new york
Maybe you got lost in mexico
Youre right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance learns to grow

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you

I can feel the distance getting close

I need you to be strong.

2007-11-26T13:59:00.000-08:00

Lest not the romance die.
lets not be for you and I.
Insecure, as hard as it may.
Today I love you, today I say.
Don't give up on us.
For hope is not forgotten even in black sky.
A new day will always come tomorrow.
Please don't you let hope die.
My heart is full of wonder
A need to let you in
A circle in the center
A absolution to sin.
For you have brought me happiness.
And I hope for you the same.
This hope which rests on my heart
Suddenly as wel walk I feel it's right back to the start.
Please don't say we've got full circle
for life's too large for that.
I'm not giving up
I need you to be strong
for you and I. Most especially I.
My darling, I need you to be strong.
My darling, I need you to hold on.
Look to the sky above,
understand that you are the holder
to this precious love.

Nude

2007-11-26T13:03:00.000-08:00

Everytime we go through this. I go through hell. And with your simple mention of doubt I am killing myself over what I've done wrong. The truth is that I long to love you, long to care. I need you to open up to the fact that I'm only human, and time is something that we just have to deal with. What matters most is that I love you. So please don't break up with me because you're scared. Please dont leave me stranded in a pool of blood from a shattered vile. Slipped fom the hands of those who became over confident. Ever so delicate my heart aches for acceptance, love and respect. I see you, but can you see me ?. Can you see my heart in pure form?. Haven't you heard me cry at night, don't you see these eyes. They look into you, they want to see your soul. These eyes are not crying, these eyes are wide awake. But every moment that you hold doubt ... these eyes turn away. I'm terrified of the answer, nobody wants to be broken. So why would you do that to me ... after all that I've tried to prove to you. Is it not enough that I hold love and care? is it not enough that I miss you to the point that my heart aches when you are gone?. And yet you say that you were not ready for this .... the walls of my heart which I let you break down ... exposed and nude, don't turn away now without leaving me a robe. Please dont do more damage to this vulnerable heart. I long to keep it pure but if pain comes my way - I'll have to take the pure new heart and put it away. For sake of hardening the heart .... for sake of pride. But most of all - to keep any tear from even rolling from my eyes.

I Miss Him.

2007-11-23T09:53:00.000-08:00

I have not heard much from J****** as of late. From what he did tell me, he has been doing some work on himself which is fine. I just had no clue, I assumed that I had done something wrong. I miss him a lot and sometimes I am scared and embarrassed to express it because I don't want him to think that I am naggy and obsessive. But I do, I miss him a lot. I miss his kiss, his eyes, his voice, his arms, I miss his thoughts and his ideas and his hand which holds mine. God I just miss him. And as I slept alone on Thanksgiving I did have a great thanks for not being truly alone on this holiday. I've spent so many years wishing to have somebody to hold during the holidays. And now I do. And I am thankful for that, and I'm thankful for J****** for teaching me more about myself by simply examining my energy. So ... while I miss him, I know that he needs time alone and it's my position to respect him and support him in that. So I will. But God do I long to hold him in my arms and give him a kiss. To hear that sweet voice express his needs and desires. Arg I miss him.

Music.

2007-11-21T11:13:00.000-08:00

Music has no ego, it has no mind, it just is. It does not think, it is not afraid, music is bold. Music is pure. Music is the human spirit. It does not define man; but it drives us to be better. It teaches us how to be human. It's an outer worldly source; yet it's full in the earth. Music is not god, music is not a man, nor a woman. It is pure emotion. Music is not "I'm black, I'm white" it is the rhythym of the soul. Music is form, and it is right, music is everything. Music is the nothingness and fullness of the soul. It soothes and strokes, it pets and smokes. It's as alive as you and I and yet, it is so completely free of the ego in essence. Like a new soul, a fallen star, a gem in the coal; music is the song and dance of the soul.

I gave you my all ....

2007-11-19T16:29:00.000-08:00

Life's changed. Friday did happen. Now were at odds and arguing. The little things. Feelings hurt, all that it means, and all that it's not. Sometimes I don't know how to say "I feel hurt". Yet here I am taking the blame for trying to express that. Am I that big of a fucker?, am I mean?. Whats wrong here?. I could not express, so I shut down. And yet .... now were on "hold". An agreement made by one and not all. For I respect too much and fear the loss of all that is us. Numb and broken, my body should feel a "loss", yet I'm telling myself ... everyone goes through it. Your virginity should not be praised, nor celebrated when lost. Somehow I dont know if there was any concept of tha value that I gave .... I gave you my virginity.

The Big One.

2007-11-17T10:42:00.000-08:00

I lost my virginity last night. I gave it away.

I lost my virginity - why must we say it that way.

What do we gain when "purity" is lost?.

Lost is such a strong word, a suggestion of emptiness.

And though I feel somewhat alone emotionally,

and though I know ... I was somewhat ready.

All that I pray is that emotion will go steady.

So please ... and I mean this please, don't treat me like a horse.

For I'm raw, and open and I feel the start of a new course.

"You're a man now" so they say, honey I don't think it'll ever be that way.

Some parts of me are crying for the innocence lost.

My body is lying in a puddle of lust.

But with each lesson learned, and at the end of the day.

First sexual experiences, are bound to take place some day.

So why not here, why not now?.

Sure it wasn't a castle or a fairytale.

The candles that you always longed for,

the music that you thought you'd play.

The kisses wished returned with praise.

The worries of today.

Songs : Define an emotion, tell you a story of how I feel t'day.

2007-11-16T12:34:00.000-08:00

Natalie Imbruglia "Smoke"

The Corrs "Long Night"

Fiona Apple "Extraordianry Machine"

------
I don't feel too happy today.
Sometimes it just gotta be that way.
Feeling kind of confused again.
Always something, always men.
Always indigo, always blue.
Wish I had your back to cry on, wish I had you.
Distiant like china, sands not on my shore.
Holding back the thought process, can't take it any more.
All I feel, is all I care.
Where are you when I take the dare.
Spot me when, see me now.
Wont you please show me you care, please somehow.
In my mind I trust you, in your actions I doubt.
Sometimes I wonder if this is all in vain.
Days like yesterday, I can see your pain.
But when I try to help you
you tell me you're "okay"
like I've ruined a great moment for you
Why am I TO BLAME ??.
I need a little support in this
because even great men fall.
For depression, doubt and sadness is knocking at my door.
Love is of great richness,
_________ is for the poor.

Something in the meantime

2007-11-16T09:37:00.000-08:00

Devendra Banhart "Shake Shugaree"

Walking in line with the night fox.

2007-11-15T15:03:00.000-08:00

Words can hurt. Actions kill. But I've done nothing to make the world doubt. I've been trying to show that you're a king. Today I feel as though you could give a shit. Small cuts, little comments ... I dont deserve to be treated like a bitch. I'm your equal - why would you do that to me ?. Why do I need to feel like such an asshole when I make a different plan. Why do you need to call other men sexy? , what's the need for this confusion. God I just long for an easy interaction. I long to be honest, real and drama free.

I'd give you everything ... I'd give you my all. I dont doubt you, I just don't understand why your words hurt me so. I would never try to hurt you; so why do you comment under your breath, laugh and not tell me why, stare and pretend not to lust?. Are you trying to keep me in check? are you trying to scare me?. Why ... why .... why, I'm not going anywhere. Do you want this too? .... why do I fear. I HATE THIS FUCKING FEAR. It wont leave me ... I need support. I dont know where to find it when I feel like I am being punished through short conversation and un defined commentery. Am I too much ?, am I a fucking idiot ? .... what is wrong with me. I feel hurt, sad and ofcourse because what else is new .... worried.

Sometimes I just need a support to know that I'm doing everything okay, and that I'm not walking in this line with a night fox. Am I just a meantime boy until prince charming comes your way ?.

So my heart's on my sleeve again ... threads are frayed. Split ends are showing .... I'm a mess.

Pu'er says no

2007-11-14T15:28:00.000-08:00

I know they are my customers but JESUS .. some people just piss me off. There is nothing worst than a "shopper" in the world of sales. I don't work for questions baby, I work to make a knick in the chalk board of revenue. Yeah it's come to this. With a new boss and my job on the line I'm becoming exhausted by those who want me to work for nothing. It's not fair to ask me how cheap it is to fly from Denver to Bangkok, to Los Angeles to China, to Amsterdam to Berlin to adda hostel in Paris and stay for three months in Capetown .... oh and "Is that the lowest you can find". Sometimes it takes about an hour or more to answer these questions and offer a price quote to a customer that is going to buy a ticket off of Orbitz.com for $10.00 cheaper. And that is my rant for the hour. Holy crap that pisses me off.

Tori Amos@Blender.com Toxic Tampax Edition.

2007-11-14T14:13:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted here for a few days, life's been crazy and ofcourse I'll go through it all in a post soon if not later today. But in the meantime why dont you check out this hillarious clip from Tori Amos @ blender.com

This is The Right Time !

2007-11-08T15:50:00.000-08:00

It's been a few days since I've written over here. I'm been working more at work than ... normal. I'm moving into my apartment today / tomorrow. Unfortunatley due to our schedules J****** and I have not seen each other all week, except for yesterday. So I'm trying my best not to be sad about it, I'm just trying to live it one day at a time. Last night I showed him the apartment and wen I got home from my new home, I had this odd dream which .. I think represented liberation. In the dream I was walking around an apartment naked and saying "so what it's my place", eventually in the dream I was making love to my boyfriend. It was an intriguing dream, but also created a sense of anxiety within me; as I am coming to terms with the fact that I am about to be accountable for everything that I do in my home. Sometimes I fear that I will feel alone, but I know that I will be okay.

J****** has been somewhat quiet lately, I dont recieve as many text messages as before, we haven't talked on the phone much. Sometimes I worry that I am doing something wrong, or that time is keeping us apart. Little worries which I will have to push aside in order to keep a positive hold on this growing relationship. I want us to work out, and I want to work with him on keeping it strong. I am intent on making this one last, and keeping it as fresh and new as they day we met. He's a beautiful man with a beautiful spirit and I think the world of him. It's just that I miss him when he is gone, and sometimes as communication is harder to use - I feel worried. For once it's not a trust worry, but more of a "do you still like me?".

My thoughts are always out there to defeat me, and do in result I have taken up a success course with J****** and his mother on Monday evenings. This Monday we watched a 45 minute seminar from india on "The addiction to suffering", and how humans are addicted to thoughts of suffering weather it is in projection or defense. We are all obsessed with our thoughts and therefore we are surrounded by suffering. If we are to focus on nothingness, and understand the vast amount of blankness on the paper of our minds we can then write in short words what is truly a communication to the spirit.

On Monday shortly after leaving this seminar, I came out to my brother over a beer. He told me that he's known I was gay for a ouple weeks, ever since his ex girl Amb**** revealed t him that she had run into me and my boyfriend at the movies. So he was not surprised, and was surprisingly happyfor me. This proved to me that opening up to others is not as scary as anticipated especially from those you care about and grew up with. My life is changing and I think that it's becoming obvious how caring change can be when presented at the right time.

Thank You

2007-11-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

What a beautiful morning it is my love and how I wish that I chould share it with none other than you. The touch of your lips, the grip of your hands, your beautiful body and your irresistable smile; all which allow me to know that trust and excitement can exsist. I once thought I'd never do this again, I was convinced of a failed outlook for love. But you have shown me that hard work does pay off and persistence is not a game. So I thank you for each blessed moment, and I long to see you more. For every moment away from you is like three years times four. The fire in you brings out the beauty in me, will you take my hand and walk to stream?. Oh my beautiful boy ... I cannot thank you enough for the affection, the kisses, the hugs and most of all the support that you give to me. In a phrase, thank you.

Embarrasment in the aspect of S***. A conclusion to self.

2007-11-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

So I want to re evaluate the emotions that I was going through yesterday. I was feeling quite alone and confused. I had a pretty bad hangover and I was not feeling too fair. After work, I met up with J****** and we discussed the situation. It turns out that we were both feeling the same way within the company of others. Apparently we both felt like a third party member to the two sides of the coin. I to K*** anf J***** and he to K*** and I. So the lesson that I learned through this is that I needed to be more emotionally attentive to my boyfriend and not just to myself. The only confusion that I felt from that time was from not knowing that J****** felt the same way. So I feel somewhat guilty for feeling so insecure, and I also learned that I need to not allow my emotions to control me. I've always allowed them to take over. I'm not one to look at the big picture, I am very caught up on the color schemes and pixels.

Now is the time in my life when I need to gain a bit more self control. And gaining that, means controlling myself from going to far in the head when I think something is going on (in there). I will have to try my best not to control the world and do a better job of becoming like water, flowing through the world from end to end, and experience the beautiful cleanse of worry and fear. I apologised to J****** for letting my own fears of the past dictate the present. I need to let go of those fears and trust in the beautiful being that he is. And though it will be a challenge not to see the scorn of Aaron; which scared and hurt me, I will have to just trust J****** and care for us as a piece.

One of my favorite interviews with Andrea Corr (though I cannot find it anywhere online), is one where she describes a relationship as "Remembering The Stranger", a philosphy which requires one to remember that once upon a time, two beings held a whole life before they met one another, and to hold on to the preciousness of affection. I do not own my boyfreind and he does not own me. All that we have is today, all that we are is us. I have nothing more than respect and attraction to this boys heart. I want to protect his heart and learn to heal my own. Sometimes I feel scared of -- scaring him. I dont want to be intense, intensity is a turn off. So I am indeed intimidated by the posts and feelings that I felt and wrote yesterday.

Today I am kicking ass at work, making sales and I found out that I can move into my apartment on Tuesday. It's a pretty good turn around from the darkness that I surrounded myself with yesterday. Sometimes I feel as though I surround myself in my own inner darkness, when all that I want is for peace and love [ew, that was aweful hippie of me]. In the end, all that I need is a bit more control over my emotions, and to learn how to trust others, especially when I know that they care about me. I do feel some embarrassment with this aspect of S***.

An Aching Heart.

2007-11-01T15:38:00.001-07:00

Today is one of the darkest days I've had in months. I'm feeling horribly sick, alone and disappointed. I haven't talked to J****** yet about what happened last night and how horrible it made me feel. And yet I want to turn to him and hug him and let my tears dry on his shoulder. I feel lost and scared, angry and confused. And though these words are pouring from me, somehow I feel like something is terribly wrong. Perhaps it is the hour and a half sleep I got last night, waking with a hang over. Maybe it's the dizziness in my head and the fog of pain looming over me. Maybe I don't feel so happy. Because for the first time in 3 months I am deathly depressed and I don't know who to turn to.

I can't look inward for my head is spinning and my body aches, my heart is bleeding and my souls confused. All that I ever wanted was an equal attraction, an equal mate, an equal partner. I'm so fucking insecure, I'm trying my hardest to hold on, but my grip is losing. God I want you in my life J******, I want you to ease my pain, but when pain comes from the flirtation that I witnessed ... I feel as though I have been cheated. I try so hard to support you, I want to give my all to you. And yet what I experienced last night, tears on my heart and tells me to hide again. I dont want to hide, you've shown me the path of care again. To care more about somebody than your own self . . . and yet to feel insecure of your actions, your efforts. Does it all go in vain?.

Something inside of me says "love will never last", so I'm always wearing a medi-pack to heal my wounds. The truth is that flirting should not be a threat, and I am being so god damn selfish to feel this way when I see you flirt with my friend. I don't want to lose you to anybody else. God damn it, that's happened to me too many times. Somehow I feel as though you want him, a lust that I cannot compete. These letters and words may describe these emotions but they do not heal them. Maybe sleep will heal this exhaustion. All I want is you.

So what do I do now, when trust is in question?. I do not want you to think that I do not trust you, for I've opened that door to you. But trust is a tricky game and it opens the door to 24 hours of questions and pain. Will I ever find the courage inside and the security to know that there is no other man for you but me?. For I have not looked into another man's eyes with hope since the moment we first kissed. My body is burning and I am torn over such a little hour in our lives. I fear to tell you this for I do not want to fight. I'm crawling on my knees to vomit up this confusion, but dry heaves and chills just keep me from defusion. I just want you to be mine, I just want today to turn fine. God won't you take this pain away. The pulse of my heart is squeezing, I'm suffocating in silence. Maybe my exhaustion has turned to self induced inner-violence. Just one kiss .... just one kiss... you are the one, the only one that I miss. Won't you please just hold me until these tears are gone?.

Lost Again

2007-11-01T13:06:00.000-07:00

Called the property managers. My apartment is not ready yet, and I cannot move in until next weekend. Sometimes I wonder how long ... how long it takes to become me. Why there are so many limitations, what's going on right now?. I don't feel secure with anything right now. After last night I'm questioning so much, after today I'm wondering if I will ever have a space to think alone. All I want to do is find a small space and let a few tears out because I feel lost again.

Heart Like a Wheel

2007-11-01T11:29:00.001-07:00

HEART LIKE A WHEEL :

Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
And my love for you is like a sinking ship
My heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean

They say that death is a tragedy
It comes once and then it's over
But my one only wish is for that deep dark abyss
For what's the use of living with no true lover

And it's only love and it's only love
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out

When harm is done no love can be won
I know it happens frequently
What I can't understand please
God hold my hand
Is why it should have happened to me

And it's only love and it's only love
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out

Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
And my love for you is like a sinking ship
My heart is on that ship out on mid-ocean
And it's only love and it's only love
And it's only love it is only love
And it's only love it is only love
And it's only love it is only love

My Heart At The Botton Of The Ocean

2007-11-01T10:20:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it as I wake from a sleepless night.
The image of your eyes upon him, sure gave me a fright.
Oh what magic was in the air that halloween night.
Give me peace and tell me you care.
Give me love and promise me, you won't go anywhere.
Give me loyalty so that I can fully dive into this journey of love.

Last night I went to dinner with J****** and met up with my friend K*** at my job. Immediatley I somehow took notice to J****** changing tones quickly as K*** came in looking like a member of my chemical romance. I'm not blind, I can see when a man is intrigued by another. And while I tried not to let it get under my skin; the little things proved me right. There were times last night that I felt as though I was being pushed off by my own boyfriend so that he and K*** could joke around and play. And while I was probably too drunk, oh hell we were all pretty trashed by 1 a.m.; I felt somewhat upset and alone with the other two.

There we have a friend of mine and my boyfriend and ... my boyfriend is just going on and on about K***. By the end of the night as I walked him home it felt as though he was more concerned about how K*** got home, than of which how we were barely getting him home. I saw the way J****** would look at K*** everytime he'd say something new. And if I tried to kiss J*******, he'd hold back. This is major iffy behaviour, and I cannot help but feel somewhat at odds about it this morning. All that I want to do is care for J****** and share each other.

I can remember when I first met him, and he'd look at me that way. And though I know he still likes me, it also scares the fucking shit out of me to see him go gitty around another guy. And while he's always openly checking other guys out and in result making me feel insecure, I accept him for him, as long as he is loyal to my offering. I'm just -- confused about how he reacted to K*** last night, and I feel somewhat hurt. And I know that's probably coming from a very selfish place in me, for I should not require any boyfriend to only look at me and not admire the beauty of others. It's just that I am very unsure of man's capacity to committ to each other. Men cheat, men lust and men scare the crap out of me. I can honestly say, that from the day I met J******, I've not even taken a second look or tried to offer myself to any other man. And there have been offers. But I believe so strongly in holding a coupling as sacred, and nothing to tinker with.

So please be honest
if there is another boy than me
let my heart sink into a bottomless sea.
for that is where
my heart will be.

Please Join In A Global STOP To HIV/AIDS

2007-10-31T16:54:00.000-07:00

"AIDS is no longer a disease, it's a human rights issue" - Nelson Mandela, 2003 [46664 Concert]

Today I found out that my friend J*** has HIV. After a month or so of thinking that he had Scarlet Fever, it turns out that he is HIV positive. This has been getting to me all day since I found out about it. I'm concerned for him, I feel angry and I feel effected. I want him to be okay, I want this disease to die before it kills us all. Nobody deserves this. And while I can only hold out hope for him I am extremely let down by this news. We are too young for this and yet we are scentenced to disease and doubt. I pray for him the courage and grace to get through this. Yes our actions bring us to this diasnosis, but awareness and a fight for the cure is essentail. Somehow I feel as though our own government sits back laughing at the oppression this world is under by the affect of HIV/AIDS, I do not want my friends to die. Please ... can't we do something more?. Can't we save each other from this terror?. Please visit http://46664.com/home.php for more information on how you can help put a global STOP to HIV/AIDS and spread awareness for those who are still in the dark.

No One

2007-10-26T16:19:00.000-07:00

This is just one of those songs that makes you feel satisfied inside.

Desperation.

2007-10-26T15:21:00.000-07:00

He's not answering his phone .... did I do something wrong?.

Projection.

2007-10-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

This morning I saw Aaron as I was getting off of the bus line to the University. He looked handsome but sneaky and scary as always. And for two seconds as I realized where that bus was heading, I began to worry. Assuming that he was catching a ride to the mall across town where J****** works, I had this horrible image come into my mind. The vision of Aaron going to my boyfriends store and flirting with him. This is pure insecurity and fear I know, but I still dont trust that piece of shit ex boyfriend Aaron. He did it the entire time we dated, and I'd not be surprised if he tried to land this towns fresh gay face. And the unfortunate thing about it is that sometimes I have fears that if I'm not putting out for my boyfriend fast enough, that he will go off to find somebody who's willing to for a tryst or two. If I'm going to look at this paragraph and break it down; I'm going to have to say that I am still scared of relationships unthanks to what Aaron pulled on me. And I am projecting that fear into my present relationship once more.

Sex Education

2007-10-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

What if I have HIV and I dont even know it?. Sometimes I am terrified of the fact that ... you never know where your partners have been before they got to you. And if you trust them for a single hand moment, you could throw your own health to the dumpster. Unlike before, I'm not so much thinking that I am at risk right now, but I did get this cold sore on my tounge and I got all freaked out and now I'm scared .... one never knows and there is only one way to solve the problem if I were to think there is a problem at hand ... get tested.

This brings to mind the importance of a sexual education in school. The controversial topic has always been a staple in the public school systems and even now within private schools. Growing up, I was always surrounded by the Catholic debate that sex education is immoral and that it should be kept outside of the school system. What we are supposed to learn was the process of natural family planning. A process in which Catholics have scientificly identified the best ways not to get pregnant. Beyond natural birth control, the idea that a condom means sin, and disease means result to immoral behaviour has grown to stump me in terms of keeping the youth informed and healthy.

Taking my own ignorance for example, it is so important to be informed about how you can prevent and contract STD's. HIV/AIDS is probably the worst fear that I have as a homosexual male. I watched my second cousin die of AIDS in the 1990's, due to drug use and a shared needle. It always scared me, and now I am living in an age where medication can save time but not guarantee a lifetime. I was barely aware of the fact that you could get ghonorrea from oral sex, less was I aware of the fact that a drop of pre cum is enough to contract HIV.

We live in denial when it comes to sex. Some of us use it to cure the pain, others like myself are somewhat fearful of it for sake of lost purity. As a Catholic, I have grown to hide my sex drive and work with my mind. Which in itself is not bad, but where I fail is that Sex is in hiding ... so when I have it, I am almost trying to do a rush job, so not to enjoy it enough to feel the guilt of "sin" dawn upon my shoulders. And though I do not see sex as a sin, there will always be that part of me which is questioning sensuality and sexuality and pleasure. Due to this sense of denial, I have set myself up for ignorance ... it's not bliss and it will kill us all. So it's about time that I get tested and read up on my human sexuality lessons. Once more before I finish, I cannot stress the importance of letting our teens know what not to do, and where not to play in order to keep a healthy tomorrow for the youth of today.

Silence

2007-10-24T10:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it works for the best of us when we feel intimidated by something larger than our comfort zone. Silence has been an ally in my own life when it comes to my personal life and some of my true emotions. But what's to come of silence in a relationship?. Things between J****** and I are both strengthening and losing balance. I don't know what to do when he is quiet, sometimes I feel like I've done something wrong, or that I dont interest him anymore. Sometimes I feel like he does not want me anymore, and that come the single hand moment of offered passion from another man, I may be tossed aside for sake of his bodily pleasure. I am trying to be pure with this relationship, but is purity not popular?, am I taking this too seriously?, I dont know how else to treat a man. I believe in respect and loyalty. And I know that J****** likes me a lot, it's just that sometimes I worry that I am not fulfilling his needs. This is yet another inescurity of mine to work through. I just need a little confirmation from him that I'm doing alright with him, and that I mean something special to him, as me means something special to me.

Poiché Mi preoccupo

2007-10-23T16:04:00.000-07:00

All that I can say is please dont runaway from my care. Don't be afraid because I've got your back. And when the world outside there can't see you, I will find you. And when the sky outside is grey, I will point you to the side of the world where the sky owns the sun. And when you feel as though this is all too much. I will long to kiss you when you claim to tell me that it's all said and done. I'm a lover, not a fighter but I will fight for you. I'm not a liar but I can try for you, I'm nothing short of a hopeless romantic, this I share with you. Your need for privacy makes me want to show you. Your strength for life gives me hope and your few shed tears, show me that we're doing okay. You're okay babe, don't you worry, you're still young boy ... but I'll tell ya, life's not such a hurry. So don't be afraid love, don't be afraid to call on me at the eleventh hour. Because I care ....

Are you aware, honey I care.

Relationships.

2007-10-23T13:10:00.001-07:00

Relationships:

I have always based my relationships upon trust, honesty,loyalty, communication and intimacy. These five components are what I believe to be the formula for a strong relationship. Unfortunatley these five attributes have never been returned to me. Although I find it hard to let go, I've been openly cheated on, lied to and made into a fool for the public to see. This is why I have a harder time trusting than most would on a Friday night in a bar. I don't trust, and that's one of the issues that find their way as a road block in my relationships. When all is silent, I become fearful of the events that could be taking place when I am not around. And when all is okay, I am fearing that there is something not being said which needs saying.

Last night I had the chance to get to know my boyfriend a little better. Without telling the details in our conversation, I feel as though he and I connected on an emotional level. I told him that my main fear was of him being dishonest and unloyal to me. Because when I am in a relationship, I take it very serious. I am not looking for a cute piece of ass to penetrate, I'm looking for connection, emotion, vulnerability and love. I am not like most men my age, I am very classical when it comes to respect and loyalty. And this is where I once more find fear; I am well aware of the fact that most men, no matter how nice they may be .... are creatures of sexual habit. And this is why I have remained a Virgin for as long as today; for sake of controlling my sexuality and owning it, so not to abuse it and percieve it as empty and for pleasure only.

Judgement and Acceptance.

2007-10-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

My life is changing so rapidly that I cannot account for half of the things that are going on around me. Stressed and confused; but confident in this change, I am embracing it as it comes. On Sunday I met up with my boyfriend at the mall and we walked hand in hand as wel always do. Mid way through our walk between Hot Topic and the food court I ran into my brother's ex girlfriend L****. As we continuted to hold each others hand I froze with shock; would L**** tell my brother that she'd run into me at the mall and saw me with another man?. Would she blab onward to the rest of our family that S*** has a boyfriend?.

As I walked away from the food court trying to find acceptence enough within to walk in confidence with my boyfriend and tell myself that it's okay to be myself despite my own fears of being judged by those who've known me since I was wee; I came to a stop at the movie theater to where we would buy tickets to see "Across The Universe". Low and behold I run into my brothers most recent ex girlfriend Am*****. Greeted with hugs and a hello she noticed us holding hands as well and kinda gave me the "okay thats cool too" look, which I felt fine with, but still kind of in shock because I'm thinking "wow, two in a row".

There are many people that I am okay with understanding my sexuality. In fact most people have been very accepting. But within my personal life, and my own family I feel as though they will all think less of me and find me to be sick. I know for a fact that my own uncle made hate calls to my aunt M*** when she came out about 20 years ago. And my mother still claims that M***'s homosexuality is the product of a destroyed marriage and a bad father figure. These lines have to be destroyed if we are to ever understand each other, and we have to start this process within the family.

We are often confronted with the question, "Why do you care about what other people think about you?". And though we generally try not to, the reality is that ... we do. When we walk outside in that brand new coat, we are inspired by what we think is presentable to the public. And when we close out our hearts for those who we fear may judge us, we are conforming to stagnance. What the world asks of us is to be free with one another, but mankind is terrified of being free. He needs limitation in order to feel constructed. Sometimes that is okay, but in the broad range of awareness and equality, it just can't work.

So as I come to terms with myself, I am preparing for a life of constant strength. If this is what gay pride is, well then perhaps I have gained some. This process is still in progress, and I am taking my life slowly, I do not need any negative energy in my life as I try my best to surround myself with inspiration and positive force. It's about time that I stand up on my own two feet and become the individual that God made me to be .... and loves. I need to love myself more, because I am a damn good man. And you can call me a queen, you can call me a fag, but you will never truly understand nor have access to the materials that I am working with in this world; to make it a better place.

Hey You Be True

2007-10-22T15:05:00.000-07:00

Who's real anymore?

Who's my own?

Who can I trust?

Who's not alone?

Why's my life,

sudeenly changing?

And why's it have to change?

I felt comfortable where I was.

But then I met you.

How do I tell everybody the truth?

How can I learn to trust you?

How can I when you look at him?

How do I when it's hard to swim?.

I've drowned before and you're a lifeguard.

I've crossed the sea of depression and found you.

And yet I've come to the realization that I don't even know you.

So many faces of our pasts come into the light of the present.

And too many fears of them control us to a point ...

Are you really thinking of me when I'm gone?.

Who do you turn to when the man holds you to the gun?.

Will you trust me like I'm trying to trust you?

Will you take down those curtains and open your door?.

I'm not in it for the gain, I'm in it for us.

I'm not ready to watch you pack it up and leave by bus.

I'm not ready if you're holding a secret.

Hey you be true.

To me.

To You.

This is why I like him so ...

2007-10-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I told him that I was a virgin and he didnt run. I appreciated it because I felt insecure about it. I'm 23 and I'm still a virgin. It's been a choice that I have made to remain so until I felt ready and comfortable enough with a guy to give that away. I've had my chances, I've had a few boyfriends and I could have fucked them all. But to be honest, there is something in me that knew they were not the right one. I'm not saying that I am looking for love with my virginity loss, I am simply looking to know that he won't turn all vampire on me the next morning. My stand on this has proven itself true a few times as well. The last 2 males that I have recently dated tried to get me into bed with them but I've always known the sheep from the swine. The truth is that I am big on trust, and in my personal opinion, sex is an act of trust. I don't trust too easily, so I don't put out so quickly. I am learning to trust my boyfriend, and I was really flattered and amazed by his response last night to my confession that I am still a virgin. In a single scentence he let me know that it was okay, and that I showed maturity and that he cared. So I am thankful, ever so thankful to him for that understanding and care. This is what creates trust. This is why I like him so ....

Funny O Donnell ?. Try Ching Chong.

2007-10-18T17:52:00.000-07:00

Whatever this shit's funny.

Stop The Madness.

2007-10-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

Why do we set ourselves up for this thing called heartbreak?. Everything pure and beautiful must end at some point. Though we long for a love that lasts forever, it's not smart to say that it does. And as I begin to like this person more with each day, I fear the end. Not that I sense it at all. I just fear the end of things, because nothing ever lasts for me when it comes to romance and commitment. I'm insecure and scared of being lied to .... I have to get through this with trust. Trust and faith, and hope to god that my innocence is not taken in vain. Why do I worry so much.

What's in a Dream ?

2007-10-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that I ran into Aaron and said hello. He returned my hello with something like a cinderella moment. Somewhat of a blur the conclusion of this dream ended in me being alone and tarnished again. I think that somewhere in the dream he stole my boyfriend away from me. And put in horrible words against my name. I tried my best to defend against his threats and actions, but in the end I lost. Is this my fear of all things encompassed into one image?. Do I fear that I will lose my boyfriend to Aaron?. For I have not let go of my disgust and anger toward that man for spreading his body around like the flu. Was this an indication that I am still fearful toward losing men?. What's in a dream, and where do we find peace?.

Please Don't Slip Away.

2007-10-17T16:32:00.000-07:00

I should probably start holding back at taking offense to when he doesnt come to me with a smile. For smiles only last so long and I should not find myself lost in the fantasy that they last forever. Understanding that I am not the center of the Universe, would you please release these thoughts from my mind. I'm becoming more insecure now that the moon is in jupiter, and the sun goes down at 4:00. Sometimes I feel all alone even when I know that you are right here. I think it's because I'm not the only one right now. I hate myself for feeling so insecure and I don't know why it must be. I have no doubts, I just want to know that you won't slip away like everybody else has. . .

Sssshhhhhh It's a Secret

2007-10-17T15:21:00.000-07:00

Everybody has a guilty pleasure, and this one's mine. Ali and AJ "Potential Breakup Song". At the same time I am somewhat disturbed by the images of these two sisters gett'n sexy with each other. Notice them on the wall together. America did you once again abuse your entertainment?.

Vulnerability

2007-10-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I worry that I take relationships too seriously. I've always worried that the man I am dating does not take me as seriously as I take him. I focus on the present, I try my best to not think about the past [though that's hard not to do] and I do my best to respect and honor the man that I am dating. As co dependant as that may seem, it's my stance, I want to treat my man the way that I would like to be treated. What comes of this however is an imbalance where I feel as though it could all end in a single second because I don't hold up any arms. It's almost like you let your guard down and then you get hit. Sometimes I worry that I worry [how good is that?]. I want to be secure and I feel insecure, I can deal with the ups and downs, it's just that sometimes I need my man to let me know that "were" okay. I just worry thats all, because I'm always waiting for the shit to hit the fan and take away my happiness. It's an ugly standpoint but I'm so settled on the idea that nothing good ever lasts forever. Believe that it's the nature of this life; only the strong of will make it to the very end to visualize the prize. So I'll see what's to come and as long as he wants me and I want him ... I think we'll be okay.

Homo

2007-10-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

I've always been different from the boys. I'm the boy who likes the boys, he does not want to talk to the boys, he wants to love the boys. He wants the boys to love him back, he wants satisfaction from a boy, he feels queer about this. He's unfortunate to feel guilty from time to time. He's a Catholic, the saint inside of him screams the philosophies of St. Augustine, he's un reformed, he's pure but he wants to open the door to find a little bit of sin free, sin. He wants to spread without guilt and love without question in mind. He's still hiding in the shadows from the ones who knew him best. Always a flamer but never a flame. Fears tell him that once he's out, it'll never be the same. And for sake of doubt he'll sit, he'll pout and wish upon Vampires and demons and Angels and Faith to help him keep the flame alive. For truth is of beauty and doubt is of pain. So we can try and be true to ourselves and never fear love again.

Don't Play Me The Fool.

2007-10-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

A few thoughts this morning as I mentally prepare for the new work week. For starters I am missing / worried about my boyfriend. Last night he was telling me about how badly he wanted sex, and the first thought that went through my mind was "Oh God don't fucking cheat on me", because I've always been the boy that gets tossed aside. And I don't know if I can take it again; it's why I haven't opened myself up fully. I'm really scared of being the fool again, of being naieve, caring and ignorant. The only thing that came to my mind was the image of him finding a fellow kitten and making happy with desire for a single moment. This hurts me even to fucking write that because I don't think it's even what happened, but today I am really having hard time letting go of the past.

My daily OM horoscope advised that I envision my past as a ball of energy, I am to take those memories and bunch them up. Then I am to throw them as far as possible like a rock into the distance. This could work well if I were willing to surrender my control for a moment. Letting go of the past to me, means fearing a repeat scenario. I don't want to be hurt, I dont want to be alone, I dont want to be a fool, I dont want to be scared, I dont want to distrust. My stomach hurts and my head is aching, I am sitting in an office worried about an imaginary scenario composed within my head, for sake of fears enjoyment.

All that I can say is that I am unlike most men, I am trying my hardest not to think with my penis, I am trying my best not to look upon others as simple objects. I never really have and I am pretty confident to say that I don't feel the need to do so anytime in the near future. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a sucker, if I'm simply enabling the "he's easy, let's take advantage of him" card. All I know is that just when I think I've found trust, something comes up to smash it all to shit. And this time around I won't tolerate it, I won't be the one who hangs on to something impure and destroyed. The truth is that I cannot get over the past, I still feel embarrassed for ever having found myself in trust toward those who cheated on me. And when I finally meet somebody who looks like they'll work for me .... I worry about trusting too much and being the fool in the end.

Please Don't Hurt Me.

2007-10-14T21:50:00.001-07:00

Please don't hurt me for love is not shallow
A single glance, the touch of your hand, a happy moment in paradise.
Please do not betray me for I have been hurt,
nights alone, waiting by my phone, nobody to call me.
So please behave, though it's hard -- my heart is on my sleeve, and my pain is on my arm.
So please do not hurt me.
For trust is just now building.
Please do not hurt me for my heart cannot take it.
please do not hurt me for sake of holding onto hope
that trust is real and bonds don't break, that mother's womb's for babies wake,
and kittens cry as bees fly by, when you're with me I can finally see...
why my pain was finally set free.
So please don't hurt me for I am fragile
Please don't scorn me for I am true.
Please don't betray me for I fear the worst always.
Please just show me how to trust you.

God Help Me, I Am Scared.

2007-10-12T17:13:00.000-07:00

I'm really quite anxious as of late being that I've become sexually active with my boyfriend. Oh yes, I have a boyfriend now. The thing about it is that I'm being stupid, we've never dicussed diseases or anything, and I know that I am clean because I've never been with anybody else. But I do not know about him. My paranoia is telling me that he's holding that back from me for sake of keeping me around. We had one conversation once about it and he claimed to be clean, but anybody can say anything ... I could be superman if need be for the moment. So now I am faced with the fact that I took in a taste of his bodily fluids and I'm now in line for potential death if HIV is present and I am not clued in. I'd like to think that nothing is going on here, and I'll go on a whim and say that I am being really, really paranoid here. But I'm acting like an idiot not to use a condom when I give him head. So now I need to talk with him and make certain that he's not lying to me about anything. And if indeed there is anything to be iffy over .... I'll have to get tested. I should probably do it anyways being that I'm now embracing my sexual / sensual side. I just pray that we're both okay and that there is nothing to worry about of his "dark" past that he does not want to mention. Last night I nearly vomitted as I recieved a text from him saying "I need to tell you something" ... in my head I'm thinking that I was about to recieve my death threat in a text message. Luckily it was not. I really like this guy and I want to feel 100% around him, but as long as we dont have this one clear, I'll be forced to be afraid of him until otherwise settled down.

I went to the gunshop

2007-10-11T16:28:00.000-07:00

With the rain outside and a silent office, I've entered a bit of a free floating anxiety zone. There is a sense of death flying about the sky as I am forced to confront winters inevitable arrival. The days will soon shorten and the night will grow longer. My sense of self always seems to leave in these cold short days, winter shows us the darkness so that we can come back into the light with strength and the courage to run in the sun when it arrives. This is what the dark goddess is supposed to be about. Change the person in that darkness so that they will come out stronger.

So here's a thought :

I'm afraid of what's been done like a shot to the face from a loaded gun.

If that loaded bullet stings, I know it won't be any fun.

And yet I went to the gun shop and I held my finger to the trigger.

If this state is unconcious then I hope that I wake up alive.

And if this place is unkept, I hope to see it thrive.

I suppose that the only way to know that is to inside those doors

take em down, give em some blood and let them know that you've seen everything under the sun.

But that you didnt want to own a loaded gun.

Thoughts About Work

2007-10-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

When is it justified in the work world that we are to give ourselves over completely to each customer. There is a line between work self and self self. The worst is when you work with tyrant pigs named Danielle, the co-worker from hell, the one who is always right, and always has an opinion on your sales performance. Since day one this woman has treated me like a piece of dog shit, something she just didn't want to deal with. And come the moment that I had a question about this new industry she'd yell at me and belittle me intelligence.

After a year of insults, rude attitude and disrepect I finally told her something simple yesterday ... "You know what FUCK YOU". As simple as it was, it felt beautiful to take her control away for a moment. This is a woman who plays by all the rules but breaks conduct in order to maintain control over those who seem smaller than her. And I think she knows this too. I've been on to her game since day one, but I've tried my best not to make this office a confrontational offiice. But to be honest, it's inevitable now that she and I will go to heads because I've become very short fused with her, this job and my customer. Actually the job itself is not so bad, it's the constant push for greatness which drives me insane. At the end of the day, I'm just a lad trying to make his rent cheque.

At the end of the day everybody's trying to make the rent, and at the end of the year we're all tired from the hours of bullshit that we endured in order to pay our taxes. This wheel isn't easy to work with but it's the wheel which makes the "world go round". Sometimes I think that we should trust in the fact that this world's going to go around and around no matter what job we take. Unfortunatley we rely on our jobs to create security and within that sense of security we fall down beneath our own self worth and develope working horse syndrome.

The Great Fall

2007-10-08T16:30:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to hold my power and the light seems to be blowing south. This means there is a force against me and I am trying my best to keep the flame strong. I've got this force, that force and my own force blowing me around, and I'm too afraid to close a window for fear of falling out and to the ground far below. My voice isn't heard and my heart is untrue to myself. I am fearful of losing this battle, I am fearful of hurting anyone around me. I am becoming a yes man all over again and they can't understand how horrible it is to be one man in a huge circle. I am not the president, I am simply your friend, so why is it so hard to accept that time is not always on our side. Sometimes I feel angry when sex is my enemy, never on my side or shall I say that I choose not to walk down that path. I feel scared when others do not take interest in me because I am not ready to give myself sexually for the cause of a relationship. No I am not waiting for marriage, I'm just not ready yet. And then there is the threat that it could all go to shit at any moment ... I could be cheated on and that'd be my fault because I did not surrender to the needs of another man. What is wrong in here, what is wrong with my head?. Am I spinning out of control or am I holding on to a vile of poison?. I think that I've walked through all the doors available and this time the winning door calls . . . Where the hell do I run to now when my dignity suffers the great fall ?.

Is This My Coming Of Age Story?; Or is Chapter One Closing?.

2007-10-05T09:01:00.001-07:00

"Nah ah ah ah !, It's shorter than that even !"

Everything in my life is changing, I've got my own house, I've got a boyfriend and I just cut all of my hair off. Yes the latter bit is true, for those of you who may have guessed who this shadow-boy is, you can now see me without the hair past my shoulders, and it's scary. The sad part about it is that when I got home last night and showed the family my new hairstyle, they all began to look at me with utter shock and dissapointment. My mother had to go on and tell me that I looked like a Beatle, and everyone else just said "oh my god, it's so short". The truth is that I never intedned for my hair to go as short as my stylist took it, and for that reason I am feeling unsatisfied. At this point I am apprehensive to run into anyone that I've known for over a year up here, for sake of commentery.

Last night my father asked me about that message from N**o on Tuesday. And once again there was no conversation to follow my comment "yeah, I heard that she left a really weird message". What's going on here?, have I set off some kind of time bomb, have I reset my place in the universe?, what is going on here. Everything's changing so fast. Even my image has gone through a 180 litterally over night. It's almost like I am being groomed for something bigger than I'm used to. Will I be rewarded ?; or is this the reward?. I'm not used to everything in my personal life changing, I've been so used to being affiliated with my family, that standing on my own two feet and standing alone feels really uncomfortable at the moment.

It's not really a matter of lonliness, more than it is a sense of being forced to come out into the light. Come out of the closet, cut this hair off that hid my face and inside for so long .... I've been taken out of hiding and now I am on the front line. What do I do to reinforce myself again after the storm. I feel it's changing and it could even be for the best, but after that is there no turning back. It is right now, that I am forced to take a look at all the things which brought me here. Is this my coming of age story "Chapter 1", or is this the conclusion to a very long and detailed chapter. Either way you cut the narrative, this is a time of change and I'm very scared, maily because it has everything to do with me and the spotlight is on.

Things Are Looking Up !!!!

2007-10-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

(Actual Apartment Photograph)

News flash !

I got the apartment !. After all of my doubt and all of my financial insecurity, I nabbed the apartment number that I applied for and I did not settle for less !. I am proud of myself for this achievment. And though I am still kind of taking it all in [move in is not until the 1st of November], I'm SO excited .... so, so excited. This means that I can do what I want, when I want and sing however loud I want to in the shower, drink too much coffee ... write my songs, read my books, have a little bit of quiet and have my friends over without feeling like I am being monitored. Oh this is something to thank God for. I did pray a lot over this one, which for those who read these blogs, is kind of rare. But this achievement says to me that God is looking out for me, He looked out for me last year when I nabbed my job as a travel agent and now look at me .... things are looking up. Things are definatley looking up !.

Expression of Visual Music

2007-10-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

Today I am in that box again, looking at the world pass me by. And yet I can see them all look upon me like a witch, a freak, a force of beauty which makes them all look inside to evaluate morale and values.

My wounds once covered by trench coat and coil, are now seen by all. And the hospital visit that you'll offer me can only be refused for sake of shame. No you have not a prodigal son . . for he's DOWN for the count.

The Life That I Cannot Hide Away From : Hiding my Heart.

2007-10-03T10:58:00.001-07:00

For the first time in about 15 years, I am terrified of my Mother for sake of her now questioning my sexuality. The phone call that came in yesterday afternoon has the both of us avoiding conversation, and has brought is to very akward conversation. "How's the weather" - "I'm fine", many long pauses. Even my sister is worried about the telephone call. She's known about me for some time now, but has not issued the news out to anybody but those who I give her permission to. My sexuality is very "don't ask, dont tell" with those who I am not too open with. Sadly, my mother has been out of the know now for about 10 years.

In other news, I've put in an application for an apartment and I am feeling the harsh message of rejection coming my way, as I have yet to recieve a telephone call about the fucking place. I a assuming that I'm not qualified for the apartment. When I called my father yesterday for him to co sign, he told me that he couldn't do it, and that he would not even give me his social security and birthdate to fill the co sign app out for him. This only reinforced my sense of dissapointment in him. For he has always done this to me. I can't say that he has been all bad, for he's kept me with a home for my whole life. But when it comes to support and help - he's never followed through. However, he'll always go to bat and follow through for my other brothers [from his first marriage].

Now that I have put in an apartment application and my mother has pretty much found out "The big secret", I've got one more piece of news to unveil. J*****n text messaged me this morning to inform me that he needs a break from "us". He tell's me that he likes me too much and that he needs time to think about his life. It makes sense, but I've also heard this before -- Aaron told me the same thing, and within a week he had a new boyfriend, and let me down in the ugliest way possible. Although I do not forsee J******* repeating the same wrongs as Aaron did to me, I can honestly say that I am secretly bubble wrapping my most valuable items, so to make a quic escape if this all comes crubling down.

This is almost too much to handle in a single week, but perhaps there is a reason for it all. Maybe I was not meant to be surrounded by those I "love", my own shame has me running from the life that I cannot hide away from. Everything is so magnified in scale this week that I feel a migrane coming on. I've had times like this in the past, maybe I'll prove to be stronger this time around, maybe I'll just have to say "fuck it" and move away. Am I destined to be the man that runs away from his problems, or will I stand up and face the shadows that talk to me on walls. "And I wish I could lay down beside you When the day is done And wake up to your face under the morning sun But like everything I've ever known I'm sure you'll go one day So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away."

Changes made to your itinerary

2007-10-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Sxxx,

I'm just writing you this letter to inform to you that your life is going through a change. I can see here in your record that you are not up for too much change, but trust me it'll be for the ... well we cannot guarantee your happiness and satisfaction. You were informed that nothing in this contract is concrete, so if you have any complaints - you probably should take them up with the devine creator, but he's generally out of the office. So you'll just have to deal with this rejection letter on your own.

Yours,

S*** C****

The Heat Of Summer Sunshine.

2007-10-02T16:41:00.001-07:00

I've been faced with a moment of truth today as an old friend of mine called me in congratulations of my "new boyfriend". Only this telephone call did not come to my personal voicemail box, but rather my home telephone number and on the answering service of my mother's telephone. Confronted with it today, my mother asked me "is there something you're not telling me", in response to that message, and I responded with "I don't know what she's smoking" -- perhaps the worst brush off in the book. This basically said to my mother "yes, and I'm still going to hide it from you". Now is a time of change, and apparently it was in the cards according to the man I am dating.

Is it easier to live in a lie, with the fantasy that nobody knows your dirty little secret, thus living in denial. Or is it easier to be bold, new and yourself completely, not living the lies, not pretending to be anything other than who you are in the moment. My hands are shaking as I type this, and my stomach is in knots. I don't know where it is in the back of my mind that I believe that nobody knows or suspects that I fuck men, and that I will never marry. This life is such a freaks paradise that even those closest to me cannot know my fetish. As innocent as I may appear, and as grounded as I am .... I am a homosexual living in the shadows. And suddenly there is an ounce of light upon me ... here, see me run from the truth.

And so in my own expression of this emotion, I leave you with a music video from The Corrs, and though one may think that I am biased [due to loving this band], the video expresses this feeling that I am going through. It's about hiding your heart in the darkness, perhaps for fear of confrontation. The shame, the fight or flight .... it's all there today.

Honesty and Action

2007-10-01T09:07:00.000-07:00

Monday's are never any good. Weekends go by so fast when it rains outside. Nights are short when you're awake through till the end. And yet Monday comes .... and you feel as though you didnt chill out at all. It's all an escape from the reality that you call your present day lifestyle. You're supposed to find an apartment to rent but you are too scared, you try your best to satisfy your boyfriend, but he's got other needs as well. You've got a crying mother who's says "my baby's moving out", when in reality that baby has not even found his own apartment to begin with. All this melodrama -- where's it ever end?. New boss in the office come Monday, regional sales manager comes to follow, big day in the sales market, new system says "Hallow!". The dissapointment is growing, your life is becoming a lie. Unattentive to the heart you're sticking around in a sick town -- you know you should'nt be here. You know it's not right, you know it's not your favorite job, you know you're suffering from not moving forward. What do you do?, how do we re align ourselves to become in tune. Honesty and action is the key, and yet much like love, it's hard to do.

This is the product of WAR

2007-09-28T10:19:00.001-07:00

Although I am hesitant to post such an image I do so with great respect. I want to show you what it looks like to kill a child. These children are no different than our own. So to say that we are different, is to take that child right from the arms of this man and throw her into a bath of acid. You are not different than I young man, this image shall go to show us that we are human, and death is present.

Death is natural but murder is not. In self defence, we face a choice to kill or be killed; however we've not been given a right to abuse that natural defense against harm in the woods, the tribe or the inner city. Take a look at death and respect her value ... do not abuse Death, for she will swallow you hole. Once more --- we have a great lesson to learn of love and war.

Hide Away

2007-09-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

I know that I can be stronger than this ... this waiting for some kind of acknowledgement.

HIDE AWAY : Lyrics by Sharon Corr

It's time to change, throw out the booksand start againBreak all the rules, fall on your facedon't be ashamedYou can't waste more time 'cause you've beengone for far too longTrapped in his arms, safe without harmFollow your heart don't be afraid

You think that you're okBut I don't believe in what you sayYou think that it's too lateBut it's no good, good enough for you

Don't hideaway'Cause I know that you've got what it takesI believe you can be what you wanna be

Let yourself go, don't you worry about a thingBreaking the chains, so hard to beginFollow your heart don't be afraid

You think that you're okBut it's no good, good enough for you

Don't hideaway'Cause I know that you've got what it takesI believe you can be what you wanna be

Don't hideaway'Cause I know that you've got what it takesI believe you can be what you wanna be You can be what you wanna be

Safety

2007-09-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

Last night as I left his house, I felt like he was angry at me. And I don't know how to vex that worry within my mind this morning. I feel really scared that I've fucked something up. The cards read that we'd go through something odd soon enough together, is this it?. I can't shake it, I cant cut the image of you standing at the door with that look of "go" in your eyes. Part of me feels stupid, the rest of me feels scared; for last night I felt closer to you than ever before and then the stab of miscommunication had to come between a moment. I feel stressed, I feel scared, I feel angry at myself, I feel so many things and yet all that I really want is to make sure that everything is okay. Safety ....

Children of the Corn

2007-09-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

As I sit here looking outward to the students of UO, I am overwhelmed by a sense of ... judgment. I feel as though I am looking at them like rich pigs with little appreciation for the world around them. Is this an honest assessment, or rather a jealous conclusion?. What brings me to this place of judgment, why am I not the one with the pretty hair, the skinny body and the riches to back my actions up. Where is that presence within that says "keep it cool boy". Am I the freak?, the poor boy?, the outspoken oddity?, and the performer with too much insecurity?. What in all reality could be so wrong with that?.

This world has taught us to hate everything about ourselves just so that we can live up to the image of those who gave into that exact lie. So when I feel this way I must look deeper within ... what am I really seeing in these people?. The pretty girl with the skinny body probably goes home to her dorm and thinks about how ugly she is on the inside, and the pretty boy with all the nice clothes probably goes home thinking "What will Dad think when I tell him I'm gay?". The truth behind all of these nice clothes and beautiful bodies is that there are deep rooted secrets and emotions which are abused and masked by the popularity of celebrity/ wealth-worshipping culture.

So maybe I'm not all that bad myself, maybe my thoughts and emotions are controversial for the simple reason that nobody else is comfortable enough to say it. So maybe I'm rich in emotion and intellect, while they are rich in cars and face cremes. Life is too short to truly worry about the rich and beautiful, the truth is that we can only be ourselves, and when we find ourselves lost in the fantasy that we are supposed to be Kate Moss or Orlando Bloom, we are truly killing the gentle, childlike innocence of the human spirit within.